Today is a good day to ground your fluctuating emotions, Megan. Take a step back from the drama you create and make some serious evaluations of your inner state. Are you trying to trick yourself into thinking everything is ok when really all you are doing is fooling yourself? Be honest with your highest truths and ground yourself back down into reality. Make a journal entry of your thoughts.
this was my horoscope today. so i guess i'm trying to take it's advice. i really have had "fluctuating emotions" lately. it's just been a busy busy time for me. my baby sister finally turned 21 (yeah her, boo to me gettin old), i'm about to spend a week at my boyfriends family reunion (in disney world no less), i'm bored with my job and needing a new one desperately, and there has been all kinds of friendship problems of late. i guess i didn't realize it before, but i really do rely on the people around me to keep me feeling normal. i guess since things have been so up in the air lately i haven't been feeling very, well, grounded.
you'd think it would be easy to get rid of a friend right? there are about a bajillion people in the world, you are bound to find someone else that you connect with. but it really isn't that easy. especially for someone like me. it's not that i'm distrustful, but let's face it. i can be cynical from time to time. and i like my space. new people don't freak me out or scare me or anything... i just usually don't give a shit about them. am i a friendly person? yes. do i help out strangers? of course. i mean no ill will toward anyone, i just am not a bond-over-a-cup-of-coffee type girl. it takes me awhile to really get comfortable. of course at my age and at this stage in my life (trapped between real world and pt college) it's hard to hold on to some people. you end up having to become really adept at meeting new people and judging quickly how "friend-wothy" they are. i guess it's just harder for me to give something that is so important to me, like true friendship, to just anyone i meet.
so maybe i haven't done everything right lately. but i know other people have messed up too. blaming and pointing fingers isn't going to solve anything. turning to our other friends as allies won't help either. i firmly believe that when two people have a problem, it should be theirs and theirs alone. it's why i got so pissed when my friend chose his blog as the only possible means for him to write a very informal apology to someone or somebodies ( i guess that might include me). but he didn't understand that i couldn't accept that, and i wasn't clear about it to him, so now everything is worse. it's just a horrible feeling when you want to be able to talk to someone so bad just to get things worked out, but are too hung up to be able to do it, even though you know it's the only solution. so we'll both sit here proudly and probably never really get it. it's very sad and disappointing.
i know this is what "growing up" is all about, right? you lose friends, get new ones, blah blah. the most special thing about my friend is that around him i didn't have to grow up... that i felt like things could always be okay cuz there is that part of me, you, everyone really that doesn't want to grow up and wants to be able to say "i've know so and so for blah many years... they are my best friend." i had it and i don't know where it went.
at least i think i had it. maybe i lost it a long time ago. i'd like to go on thinking that isn't that case though. at least for a little longer.
i never knew this could be so mentally taxing... this whole sharin your feelings and stuff...
*blog*
posted by megs at 00:22
7.22.2002
it's the funniest thing playin on a church softball league...
first thing we do is get in a circle and pray... now, i know i'm catholic and all, but some of my friends aren't. it just seems so exclusive. stand in a circle and say our prayers, or you can't play our game. catholic churches always weird my friends out too... i used to wonder why until i actually got to compare it to other services. we're like a freakin cult! hum here, bow, sing, chant together... you are programmed from birth... and just to make sure you, they cycle through the same material every three years... what if a comedian or hollywood writer did that? how long would they last? (oh wait... sleepless in seattle, you've got mail... my bad)
anyways, so this church league i play on, tonite i go and my sister and i don't know really much of anyone else there. it's a bunch of fuckin jesus groupies and personally, i didn't plan to pay money to go for 2 hours every sunday and NOT be able to socialize with my sister while i played. everyone there knows we are sisters, and they fuckin pull that captain pick the team stuff and split us up. ah, but we are smarter than that. we said, yeah cmon, and both hauled ass to the dugout. when someone pointed it out we were like, huh, who, us? no, this is where we belong. and people actually got pissed. what are they expecting, us to bond over summer softball with them? who are they kidding.
and it's funny to watch how serious some of these people are about this joke of a game. the dopey pitcher who sit and practices to perfect his back spin pitch. all i want to do is knock that shit straight back down his throat. i'm serious. i've been practicing for years to hit it straight back at the pitcher. someone is going to bite it big time one of these days. i just hope it is mr. softball-boyscout kid. i'm out there to have fun, but at the same time i hate it when people fuck around and actually slow down the game. as if my aching muscles and slow-ass running weren't enough, i need some stupid kid fresh outta hs with their dumbass "look at me" games to really make me go these fuckin kids. and then it hits me how freakin old i'm gettin and i get even more pissed off... these fuckin kids.
but really its fun overall. i actually got a few hits tonite. granted, my shoulder hurts and i sucked ass pitching, but i did get on base and actually make it around to home a few times. that almost makes it worth while. what really did it for me was my sister and me doing our kamikazi fuck the system and playing on the same team. it just makes it all worth it.
but i do wish i'd knocked that fuckin pitchers head off.
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:48
7.19.2002
i had the weirdest fuckin day at work... i'm talkin way out there....
to start things off right, i got totally ripped on by a change scammer. that is one of those pathetic lowlifes that goes around asking you to change some bill or another, hands you a low denomination and then after you've given them change and shut the drawer, insists they handed you something higher. and this guy was such a pro. i was so convinced he'd handed me a one and he sat there and swore up and down it was a five. he gave the super honest face and the "i don't want to get you in trouble or anything" bull-sheet and talked me in circles. since it was the first thing in the morning (and i am not a morning person) i didn't know my head from my ass and finally was like, eh, here ya go. two minutes later i wise up, count down my drawer and realize i'm exactly four dollars off.
fucker.
it was funny though when i walked across to the other cashier to share my tale of woe and found that he got taken too, except it was a $1 for a $20. dumb shit. even i would have known better than to do that. yeah right. i just can't believe these people. apparently this is a common occurence in atlanta too. i had countless numbers of coworkers coming up to me later in the day and telling me stories similair to what happened to me. where the hell were they an hour or so ago? i'm just a people trustin, customer is always right, suburban chick. i didn't know the dirty little games these people play in atlanta. next time some homeless guy steps out on the street in front of me and shoots me that "i'm walkin here bitch" look, i'm hittin the gas.
on the other end of the spectrum, i got the weirdest voice mail at work. it was a very young child singing along in very sing-songy voice for about two minutes. s-h-i-t speels shit. b-i-t-c-h spells bitch. f-u-c-k spells fuck. fuck s__ fuck s__ fuck fuck fuck. it was surreal. i wrote down the number (thanx to that technological tool the phone number stamp) and called the little shit back. the little girl was so evasive. my parents aren't home. i don't know when they'll be home. it'll be a lot later. lying little shit. so i threatened them and said if they ever called back and did that again, i had their phone number and could get their address and their parents would find out about it. five minutes later the little girl called back to make sure she wasn't in trouble. i was thinkin to myself "that's right bitch". i guess i was still pissed that an adult scammed me that morning so i had to take it out on someone weak.
shining examples of society at its best right there.
what the hell could top a day of work like that?
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:07
7.17.2002
i made a decision today.
isn't it strange the hoops we will sometimes jump through for friends? if you had an inadequate boyfriend or girlfriend who treated you like dirt you'd probably dump them faster than bad mexican food. but with friends it is different. there is something poetic about true friendship that we all feel like we have to fight for. the worst thing is when you have warring friends. suddenly your jumping through two, three hoops. eventually you are just going to fall on your face. but you continually put yourself out there and hope that it will change. being a good friend, by definition, means you have to be there for all the shit that happens. when that other person starts to fall, you have to be there to go down with them. it just sucks when they crawl up over you and leave you sittin there.
but the upside to this whole frienship thing is when you get to be there for all the truly great things. if you think about it, a man alone isn't really great. it's the people around him that make him great by comparison. alone he is just a man doing his thing. friendship gives you an opportunity to make another person feel that they are the greatest person in the world and have them do the same for you. the satisfaction of true friendship is irreplaceable. no matter how many acquaintances you may have, a billion couldn't take the place of one true friend.
so how do you decide, in the course of a friendship, when to (metaphorically speaking) shit or get off the pot? everyone knows, friendships shouldn't be abusive, take advantage, blah blah blah. but is it enough for a person to just be a bad friend? can you let it go for that? what happens when they come around? worse, what happens if they don't? could true friendship be like true love... it always seems so perfect at the time but in hindsight you're like "that guy was a dick... he never treated me right." maybe i'm just cynical. or maybe i'm right. either way i think i lost a friend today.
that guy was a dick anyways.
*blog*
p.s. i'm not trying to be overly dramatic here or anything... no need for anyone to feel sorry for me... just feel sorry for that poor bastard.... ;o)
posted by megs at 02:09
7.15.2002
this background crap is harder than i thought.... now all i gotta do is come up with something interesting to actually put on here... apart from the colorful squares... oooooh... pretty colors...
and so i experiment with a drawing... interesting... the fingers are so.... pillowy
*blog*
posted by megs at 15:09
this seems easy enough but i really am not sure if i've got this right... i guess this would be where this goes
