Today is a good day to ground your fluctuating emotions, Megan. Take a step back from the drama you create and make some serious evaluations of your inner state. Are you trying to trick yourself into thinking everything is ok when really all you are doing is fooling yourself? Be honest with your highest truths and ground yourself back down into reality. Make a journal entry of your thoughts.
this was my horoscope today. so i guess i'm trying to take it's advice. i really have had "fluctuating emotions" lately. it's just been a busy busy time for me. my baby sister finally turned 21 (yeah her, boo to me gettin old), i'm about to spend a week at my boyfriends family reunion (in disney world no less), i'm bored with my job and needing a new one desperately, and there has been all kinds of friendship problems of late. i guess i didn't realize it before, but i really do rely on the people around me to keep me feeling normal. i guess since things have been so up in the air lately i haven't been feeling very, well, grounded.
you'd think it would be easy to get rid of a friend right? there are about a bajillion people in the world, you are bound to find someone else that you connect with. but it really isn't that easy. especially for someone like me. it's not that i'm distrustful, but let's face it. i can be cynical from time to time. and i like my space. new people don't freak me out or scare me or anything... i just usually don't give a shit about them. am i a friendly person? yes. do i help out strangers? of course. i mean no ill will toward anyone, i just am not a bond-over-a-cup-of-coffee type girl. it takes me awhile to really get comfortable. of course at my age and at this stage in my life (trapped between real world and pt college) it's hard to hold on to some people. you end up having to become really adept at meeting new people and judging quickly how "friend-wothy" they are. i guess it's just harder for me to give something that is so important to me, like true friendship, to just anyone i meet.
so maybe i haven't done everything right lately. but i know other people have messed up too. blaming and pointing fingers isn't going to solve anything. turning to our other friends as allies won't help either. i firmly believe that when two people have a problem, it should be theirs and theirs alone. it's why i got so pissed when my friend chose his blog as the only possible means for him to write a very informal apology to someone or somebodies ( i guess that might include me). but he didn't understand that i couldn't accept that, and i wasn't clear about it to him, so now everything is worse. it's just a horrible feeling when you want to be able to talk to someone so bad just to get things worked out, but are too hung up to be able to do it, even though you know it's the only solution. so we'll both sit here proudly and probably never really get it. it's very sad and disappointing.
i know this is what "growing up" is all about, right? you lose friends, get new ones, blah blah. the most special thing about my friend is that around him i didn't have to grow up... that i felt like things could always be okay cuz there is that part of me, you, everyone really that doesn't want to grow up and wants to be able to say "i've know so and so for blah many years... they are my best friend." i had it and i don't know where it went.
at least i think i had it. maybe i lost it a long time ago. i'd like to go on thinking that isn't that case though. at least for a little longer.
i never knew this could be so mentally taxing... this whole sharin your feelings and stuff...
