you sit there and you look into their eyes... they reflect everything you've ever done... it's like watching your history unfold... and yet you know that this runs only through your mind because they don't care... for them it is only the present... what will you do now... love me, hold me... appreciate me... that is all they ask... it seems like such a lot but it comes so naturally that you can't help it... you claim to not care and not to understand, but in those quiet times when no one is listening you find yourself talking to them like best friends... they listen and they don't judge... it's a relief and yet... always you feel like they are asking the questions... the same ones running through your mind... always they are wanting more... it is in their nature... you share and they snuggle... you keep close and they positively engulf you... their attention to every detail makes you wonder what you've been missing... they talk to you in a language that you are always on the verge of understanding... you only get enough to realize how beatiful they are and how precious they are to you... sometimes you can't tell who who owns who...
five minutes with cleo tells me all this... a half hour and i'm the most satisfied, happiest megs in the world because i've honestly found my best friend for the first time again....
it isn't that i don't love dylan... it's just that the complexities of animals, just like people, are unique.... everything has it's purpose.... cleo is my best friend....
*blog*
posted by megs at 04:57
1.30.2004
A judge who made disparaging comments about a rape victim apologized and removed himself from the case. Circuit Judge Gene Stephenson , 70, said he didn’t remember making the comment Monday, but court transcripts indicated he said, “Why would he want to rape her? She doesn’t look like a day at the beach.”
really... how much worse could a woman feel... you get raped, have to go through the whole emotional experience of coming forward and going to trial, etc. etc.... and then this jackass opens his mouth... he should be stoned... the woman apparently is filing a complaint... i think i'd do more than that... like if she'd been prettier then he would understand why the guy raped her... stupid, stupid men... it's wrong! wrong i tell you! this man..... isanidiot.
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:20
1.28.2004
i absolutely love the super bowl... ever since i was little it's been a reason to stay up late and eat lots of snacks and drink gallons of sugar filled beverages... and it's also been a little bit about football... but not usually... it's all about the commercials, the bud bowl, the half time show, and all the other fascinating marketing ploys they have come up with to keep people from tuning out to what usually isn't a very riveting game...
and i never have a team picked... b/c i don't pick teams... i just cheer for whoever catches my fancy... i couldn't tell you who won last year or even who played last year... it's more about the experience... i'm super excited and it's still like... four days away... i have a ton of work between now and then, so the goal is to not let that dampen my spirits...
and speaking of work, i noticed today (because it was pointed out to me) that i bitch about work... a lot... more than anyone else i know... the daily rundown of the trials and tribulations that i deal with on a daily basis can sometimes take the entire car ride home... and it's a long car ride... this of course begs the question... why don't you just get a new job if you hate it so damn much? wha? i never, ever said i hate it... sure, it annoys the shit out of me, and the kids drive me crazy, and i swear my coworkers are setting me up to fail at everything, but that's all just part of the challenge... i love a good challenge... the worse days at work are when i get in the car and i go, yeah, it was boring today... the good days are when i have 45 min of bitching to go over... b/c it means that i did something that day... a problem was put before me and i fixed it... and that is a satisfying feeling. my job isn't perfect, and frankly it would probably bore the hell out of a lot of other people (or make them into raving lunatics) but the only reason i go on and on about it so much is because it is my job, and i think about ways i can do things better even when i'm not there. i bitch because i care... i guess that's the bottom line...
and i could actually take that and apply it to a lot of other areas of my life too... i bitch because i care... good motto.
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:42
1.27.2004
yeah... i just woke up from a nap... which sucks b/c i took another nap for like 5 hours when i got home from work... and huey sucks for letting me sleep so long... but anyways, i woke up and the dog was laying all sweetly just inside the door of my bedroom, like she was guarding the door for me... and i asked her where huey was... and i've looked all through the apt, every single room, and he's not here... but the car is still here... where the fuck is he? am i cracking up? am i awake right now? i'm not really sure... mario kart music is playing continuously in the background and it all feels a little too surreal... i'm not really sure what is going on right now... i think i maybe need to lay back down...
*blog*
posted by megs at 23:15
1.25.2004
not that i'm the kind of girl who goes around shopping for the perfect engagement ring or wedding band or set or blah blah... because i'm not... i don't know what the three c's are... well, okay i know what they stand for but i don't know anything about what they mean... because i don't care.... but these are gorgeous... absolutely gorgeous...
and that's all i got to say about that...
*blog*
posted by megs at 21:27
that's it, it's done... finally... the christmas tree came down... all the christmas decorations are finally taken down... and the partment looks normal again... the only things left are the lights on the back porch, but it's raining and cold and they would be a bitch to take down right now... otherwise it's gone, all gone...
so why did it take a full month to kill christmas? because it's a crappy job that no one wants to do... plus it took us that long to finish off all the christmas candy in the stockings... it's nice having a dining room table again though... and not having stupid red and green candles and stuffed santas all over the living room... but i do miss the christmas lights... christmas trees are just so pretty. ours was scary though... it was so dried out that the branches were super stiff... so it wouldn't fit through the door... we ended up shoving it out on the backporch... it lost half it's greenery on the way out... now it's a total charlie brown tree just laying on the outer back porch and the floor of the dining room and porch are covered in pine stuff... it's like being in the woods... complete pain in the ass...
the next step is going to be throwing it off the porch (to get it down to the ground) and then going around the building and retrieving it... then we have to carry it through the mine fields and dump it over in the woods... the mine fields is the grassy area where are the dogs go to use it... so we'll be running through that in the dark hoping we don't step in anything squishy... it's really kind of a crazy adrenaline thing... you are carrying this huge dried out heavy ass tree and leaping around in the dark trying to touch the ground as little as possible... we decided this whole thing would be dangerous in the rain b/c we'd probably slip in mud or wet dog mess and end up with a face full of something... or ruining whatever we were wearing... maybe it'll dry up in the next few days and then we can get the damn thing off the back porch... til then it's the only solution we have...
next year the whole damn thing will be down by new years... mark my words...
*blog*
posted by megs at 18:14
1.24.2004
yeah... so i once had this really interesting conversation with someone... talking about past and present... this is kinda how it turned out....
if you met your high school self you would laugh at yourself myself then or now? your old self would laugh at your new self
but politely
as to not offend
and then i had this song just pop up on my iPod today on the way home from work... and i listened to the original and then almost crashed tryin to fing the cash remake.... cuz i know i had it toooooo... and that old conversation just popped into my head....
and i decided that i like both versions of this song... i used to listen to this song way, way back before internet.... when chatting was the biggest internet use... i'm talking during prodigy... and it has always made me cry... and today i heard it, and suddenly that conversation above popped into my head because i realized that the hs me would laugh at the current me... and then cry at the future she had in front of her... i am not at all happy where i am... but i know that who i am demands that i move beyond this... this whatever i have built for myself is not where i am going to end... i don't even know what that means right now, but here is where i will never be again... so yeah... sometimes life feels like this... but knowing it won't always is what keeps me going...
*blog*
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
--NIN--
posted by megs at 02:57
1.23.2004
must.... sleep....
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.
--Charlotte Bronte--
If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep
--Dale Carnegie--
How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.
--Dorothy Parker--
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge.
--Colette--
There are twelve hours in the day, and above fifty in the night.
--Marie de Rabutin-Chantal--
Sleeplessness is a desert without vegetation or inhabitants.
--Jessamyn West--
Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.
--Clifton Fadiman--
okay, so i'm not really an insomniac... my sleep schedule is just all fud up... i keep falling asleep really early... getting five or six hours and then waking up around 2 or 3 and not being able to get back to sleep... it sucks
but i do like these quotes
*blog*
posted by megs at 04:28
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.--Friedrich Nietzsche--
101 questions for my amusement
-have you ever been hunting? i've shot a BB gun at a squirrel, but i knew i wouldn't hit it so maybe that doesn't count... i don't really like killing things
-what side of the bed do you sleep on? the side against the wall... or the left side... or if i'm by myself it's more diagonally
-what's the best concert you've ever been to? tie between the lollapalooza i went to in hs and silverchair at the roxy
-did you have a favorite stuffed animal when you were little? i loved my strawberry shortcake pillow
-what place/thing in the world do you absolutely have to see before you die? i want to go to germany and see jansen town, where my family hails from
-have you ever had an imaginary friend? nope... too many bros and sisters around all the time
-when was the last time you went on a real date? if your thinkin like single gal being asked out by single guy in the classic date scenario... then i have no idea... i don't even remember what it's like to be single
-do you dance to music when no one is around? yes... usually on my bed
-do you like to sing? very loudly and very badly... with headphones planted firmly in my ears so i can't hear myself
-do you believe in true love being destined? no
-what is your favorite item of clothing? that raggedy old pair of jeans i've had for... five years?
-how many bones have you broken? two... one in each pinky toe
-what has been your shortest relationship? ummm... like 3.5 years
-what has been your longest relationship? 5 years and still counting
-do you like public speaking? no... i get all shaky (hands, voice) and this blush just creeps up my neck and slowly overtakes me... i can actually feel it happening which makes it worse
-were you baptized? in what religion? yes, catholic
-have you ever been kicked out of a place? no
-have you ever been in a fist fight? no... the worst knock-down drag out fight i've ever had was with my sister when we were younger... parents were out of town and kids wanted cookies, but she was being mom junior and said no... so her and i beat the shit out of each other over it
-do you have a large or small personal space? very, very large
-what's the grossest/weirdest thing you've ever eaten? i'm a picky eater, so i avoid gross things... but i did have eel sushi once... i threw it back up within about 30 min
-do you have a favorite kind of accent? irish
-how old were you when your parents gave you "the talk"? 16... and mostly it was "are you having sex... don't"
-have you ever won a spelling bee? no
-what words have you missed in a spelling bee? it was either metal or medal in 5th grade... because i spelled one when they wanted the other (should have asked for a definition)... and then wednesday in 7th grade... damn silent D's
-how would most people who know you finish this: wow, you're a lot ____ than you look. that used to be easy... it used to be smarter... not i think it might be meaner...
-jello or pudding? neither... i like ice cream
-when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? all the regular things... punky brewster, strawberry shortcake, princess, a vet... and then i grew up a little more and wanted to be an architect... and now i'm all growed up and still don't know for sure
-do you have any OCD type behaviors? i hate not knowing things... to the point where it makes me neurotic and mean and crazy...
-who are you closest to in your family? while it waxes and wanes depending upon situation, i'd have to say my sister angel, with my cousin colleen coming in a very close second
-what is your favorite holiday? halloween... you get to be someone else for a night...
-do you consider yourself a good liar? i'm good with details and stories so i can spin some real whoppers... so yeah... but sometimes i don't know when to stop... i'll just say it's usually easier for me to lie then tell the truth
-have you ever been grounded? yes
-have you ever had a curfew? not really
-do you drink coffee? blech... no... stunts your growth
-who was your favorite teacher? coach howell
-who was your least favorite teacher? mrs. bergman in 3rd grade... she kept me out of target
-can you jump double dutch? i used to be able to
-what is your favorite adam sandler movie? punch drunk love
-which is better: sunrise or sunset? sunrise
-have you ever had a mentor? who? no
-which is more important: friends or family? family
-when is the last time you slow danced? i made huey dance with me in the hall a few days ago for like, 30 seconds... otherwise i guess new years
-how do you like your eggs? deviled (is that spelled right? it looks funny)
-do you prefer pens or pencils? pencils
-do you use the center wheel on a mouse? i've been known to wear out the center wheel on a mouse
-do you sleep with a night light (or the tv/bathroom light on)? tv... but mostly for the sound
-are you the kind of person always looking for more friends or for better friends? i don't really look for friends because i don't like meeting new people... but if i had to choose, i'd say i need more friends... i'm a little too close
-are you a good judge of character? i think so, but then again i don't like many people and the world can't be all that bad
-do you remember your dreams on a regular basis? not at all
-when was the last time you stayed up to see the sunrise? well, i was up all night for the christmas party... but i wasn't waiting for the sunrise, i was just up that long...
-who makes better friends: girls or guys? guys... more fun... girls are too catty
-how do you feel about old people? creep me out b/c i don't ever want to be old
-have you ever been in a nursing home? yes
-do you still buy cds on a regular basis? nope
-do you feel like a lot of people don't really know the real you? i think the people that matter know enough to not be surprised by whatever they will find
-do you feel like there is such as thing as the real you? sure... it's just always changing
-have you ever slept in a bathtub? unfortunately, yes
-have you ever been within a mile of a tornado? yes... and i slept in a bathtub
-did you know anyone who lost someone in 9/11? no
-on a scale of 1 to 10, how cool are fireworks? A 10! A 10! A FUCKING 10!
-do you actually shoot bottle rockets out of a bottle? hell no... that's why god gave us 10 fingers... you clearly don't need them all
-what movie always makes you cry? titanic
-are you usually the dumper or the dumpee in a relationship? dumpee... i prefer it that way
-do you like writing or drawing better? drawing
-have you used finger paints (outside of elementary school)? yes, love them
-have you ever been walked in on? were you embarrassed? many times... a couple of times were embarrassing, a couple weren't, and then sometimes i don't think the person walking in noticed what they were walking in on
-what's the most number of people you've kissed in a 24 hour period? new years when i was 19 i got 19 new years kisses... and one to grow on :o)
-can you do any cool dives (like flips or backwards or anything)? i learned to do a backwards dive once... just haven't done one in years
-what is the deepest you'll go into the ocean? until i can't see the bottom anymore
-where is your favorite beach that you've been to? it was called... blue mountain beach i think? down on the gulf... sand was white and soft, water was clear and warm... it was perfect
-how many hours on average do you spend at work each day? honestly... about 7.5 or so... usually get there around 10 (late) and leave around 5:30 (early)
-how many hours on average do you sleep each night? usually about 6 or so... but lately i've been sleeping in weird bursts with 5 hour naps in the evening and then like 2 or 3 hours before i go to work
-have you ever had a secret place you go to think? yes... and it's secret
-what event in your life will make you stop and say, i'm all grown up? having a baby
-have you ever shotgunned a beer? no, i don't think it's lady like
-have you ever done any drugs? this is incriminating... i'll just say yes and leave it at that
-do you snore? huey says i do... well, he says i breathe funny when i sleep
-is there any one decision in your life you wish you could go back and change? just one? j/k... yes, i can think of one colossal one
-can you touch your tongue to your nose? no, not even close
-can you cross your eyes? yes
-has a pen ever burst in your mouth while you were chewing it? yes
-have you had any cavities? never
-what's your least favorite physical feature about yourself? i have a chip in my bottom front tooth that i'm very self concious about... otherwise i'd say my nose, less for the way it looks then how it feels... it feels funny
-what do you think your biggest character flaw is? too much complaining, too little action
-do you lick to the middle of a tootsie pop or just bite in? lick the lolli part away and throw away the tootsie... don't like tootsies
-do you brush your teeth back and forth or in circles? both all over
-do you towel dry or air dry? towel dry but let my hair air dry
-what's your favorite video game ever? multiplayer? the last bond before the new one cuz i kick ass... and single player was ssx tricky
-what store could you spend hours in? barnes and noble
-do you prefer farmers markets or grocery stores? farmers markets... they are very exciting
-would you rather do without movies or music for a week? movies
-have you ever wanted to get anything pierced? if so, what? apart from what i have... my nose and eyebrow, both of which i gainsaid and i'm glad i did
-do you honestly see yourself as the kind of person who keeps in touch with people? not really... it's why my list of friends gets shorter and shorter
-are you on any joke or horoscope mailing lists? how many? i'm on a horoscope one, mostly b/c i can't figure out how to get out of it
-what's the dumbest/craziest thing you've ever done on a dare? the only thing i'm sure i ever did on a dare was dye my hair pink, which is neither dumb or crazy... so i guess nothing
-how many kids do you want? at least two... but no more than four...
-have you ever thrown up in public? yes... many times... none of which were especially graceful
-would you rather bungee jump or skydive? skydive... i'm scared to do either so may as well just go all out
-what's the best christmas present you've ever had? a goofy watch from huey to replace one that i'd had for like, five years, but had broken and it was a favorite... he got me the last silvertone one they had from the warehouse where they were storing them since they'd stopped making them... and he found it after calling around to disney stores and the original manufacturers and everything... it was the sweetest, most thoughtful present i'd ever gotten... and a close second is dylan, the love of my life (next to huey)
-what's your favorite candy? reeses pieces
-do you have any tattoos? yes i do
*blog*
posted by megs at 04:04
1.22.2004
i'm at work right now and i just got the craziest news... the whole investigation that was going on concerning the use of inappropriate touching, talking, etc. has finally reached a point where it's just surreal...
about a week ago i was sitting here by myself watching both the store and admissions b/c my boss was away at lunch... when suddenly mr. offender came just waltzing down the stairs and went into the cafeteria area to warm up his lunch... and last i'd heard he wasn't supposed to leave his office at all... so i told my boss when she got back and she freaked out... which was good b/c i'd freaked out when i saw him and had run back into the office so he wouldn't see me... now that he knows who came forward and has read our statements, i'm a little weirded out that he might try to say something to me or someone else even though he has been told not to... especially since he denied some of the things that we'd said... who's to say he wouldn't deny trying to talk to us...
so anyways, my boss and i decided we weren't at all happy with this... we put ourselves out there to even say something about this whole situation and we still are feeling worried and, well, threatened, at work even if it is indirectly... and here he is just walking around and emailing like nothing even happened... so we called the lawyer and asked to talk to him... he came in and we sat down with him and made it very clear how we didn't ever want to see this guy again... period. or even the chance of seeing him. him being able to walk within 15 feet of us, even if there is a huge glass window in between, doesn't make me feel at all comfortable... so the lawyer said he'd see what he could do...
and lo and behold, i guess they took us seriously... the powers the be were alerted to his behavior, and the CEO gave his suggestion to the board and they took it... they are asking for his resignation. he will no longer be able to come in to work at all during the day. now the sticky situation is that the only other girl who can handle money and do payroll is in australia for the next three weeks... so the solution is to have this guy come in early in the mornings and get deposits from downstairs and be up in his office by 7... and then when he's done with those things he is to leave the building. if he is out of his office for any reason while he's here, he will be asked to leave immediately...
and it all happened so fast and so definitively that it's kind of weirding me out, but i guess in a satisfied good way. it's what i wanted. but it's also very sad. something like this, right before an old man's retirement, could not make him feel good. and yeah, he is a creepy old man, but i know this still must be very embarrassing for him. part of me wants to feel sorry for him b/c i'm ruining his retirement and he's being forced to leave a job that he was devoted to for two years... it's going into his permanent record and a board of about 15 very well respected peers of his all know about it... i've met his wife and his grandkids and i wonder what this is doing to them or if they even know... i don't know if i could handle something like that, and i really do feel sorry that he has to... but the other side of me says fuck 'em... he knew it was wrong and he did it anyways... he pushed the limits for two years, and i know in my heart that the way he acted wasn't something he just started doing overnight... it is just the way he was... and it was wrong... and he got what he deserved...
so i guess my day is ending on a high-to-low note... i guess the best thing here is that i don't ever have to decide because this is someone that i will never have to see again... and weeks are going to go by and i'm going to hear a few more things, but really it's over now... and i'm going to forget about it and move on and not have to decide how i feel about all this because, frankly, it isn't my problem anymore... it never should have been in the first place.
*blog*
posted by megs at 16:12
1.19.2004
Today you might find yourself meeting with a group of people in your community who are particularly concerned about the arts, or about the appearance of the neighborhood. You might also attend a social event of some kind, MEGAN, perhaps with some of the same people. You should be feeling especially congenial towards others, and could well make some new friends in the course of these activities. Have some fun, and enjoy your day!
yeah... today is monday... and i have to work while the rest of atlanta is out celebrating (black) equal rights... yeah for MLK day... boo for me not being off!!!! okay, so let's see... a group of people in my (apartment) community... that would be mexicans... hmmm... the arts or appearances of the (apartment) community? ooooh... there's a group of mexicans that have a painting company... maybe i'll go yell at them for parking their fucking work trucks in the complex... and in the good fuckin spots right next to my building!!!!!! that shit pisses me off... it specifically says in the lease bylaws thingys that you can't have work trucks in the complex... and that you can't have expired tags......
now, my car got towed with expired tags... but they park their fuckin work trucks in here every single day and... nuthin... it's infuriating... and it's not like it isn't obvious... they have big ass ladders and shit in the back... and if that didn't tip you off then the big fuckin 'resende painting services' sign on the side with the phone number is a dead giveaway... bunch of fuckin mean-ass bitches workin in the front office... they are all jealous cuz they are fat and mean and have mean husbands or something... okay...
ha ha ha... okay, the chances of me making new friends on any day are slim to none... anyone who knows me knows... that i don't just make friends... it's this long drawn out process... i usually have to hate you first... then we have to get really drunk and get in an argument... and then i'll respect you but think you are a dick for awhile... and if you make it through all of this... i just might give you the time of day... otherwise you just have to have known me for a long time... or done me a huge favor... but i hate owing people, so even then you might be on my shit list... but make me laugh and you are golden... ummm... yes, rules of befriending megan... it ain't easy, but i'd like to think it's worth it...
so anyways, another perfect example of how bullshit these crazy horoscopes are... once again i have debunked the whole thing... maybe i should try hitting these at the end of the day rather than at the beginning... then maybe i'd actually be able to stretch them to fit to whatever happened in my life that day... we'll see... maybe next time
the other thing is that it is fuckin MLK memorial day tomorrow and i have to fuckin work.... and i work in downtown atlanta!!! like two miles from the MLK memorial house and museum and stuff... and where he preached.... and i have to fuckin work... i should be out like, walking and praising or holding signs or drinkin or something... what the fuck... and yeah, i'm white... but that doesn't mean i can't join in the festivities... that would be like kickin straight people out of gay pride rallies... somehow it would, but i can't make the connection right now... so yeah, i work tomorrow, everyone else is off... i guess that's how it always is in a museum... but then they give me tuesday off instead... woopeedeedoodaaaaa... and wednesday, so it's like a fuckin weekend in the middle of the week... but it blows b/c no one else has the weekend off... suck suck suck...
and so it winds the whole thing up with 'have some fun, and enjoy your day!!!!'.... so yeah, i think i'm going to... go to bed? cuz i have to work? or drink and be miserable tomorrow because i'm in protest of the whole shoddy system? i vote the second one... fuck the nice day... and having fun... goddamn holidays which aren't really...
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:25
1.18.2004
Suck. My phone only allows very short blogs and i'm more of a rambler. How can i possibly practice my freedom of speech online if nokia insists on limiting me? Asshats! Woah! A kid just came in with a rattail the length of my arm. I ask myself... Why??
posted by megs at 16:28
i'm at work right now and i can't get to a computer because believe it or not there are actually people here which is totally unheard of so i'm using my phone internet to blog. A guy just walked by and smelled like bacon... I think i'm goin to be sick...
posted by megs at 16:08
mmmmmm... what is it about chinese food that just spells comfort? how can a cup of hot and sour soup make your nose tingle and warm your belly all at same time? what is it about egg rolls and duck sauce that just makes your toes want to curl? and why does house fried rice complete me so well?
it must be the fortune cookies... i hate the whole 'in bed' game you play... you will experience great luck and prosperity... IN BED! i swear that the chinese fortune cookie writer guy is completely aware of the fact that everyone knows about and plays this game either out loud with their friends or in their own heads and just caters to that now... it's just not fun anymore... but nothing knocks a hangover in the ass like some dericious pan fried pot stickers... especially when they are free thanx to that loverly coupon they stick on the front of their menus... yum...
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:35
1.17.2004
yeah for getting to hang out with old friends!!
yeah, i think that going out and eating mexican and drinking two huge 32 oz margaritas every friday night is a great tradition... i'm sloshed before we even leave and don't really have to worry about drinking anything the rest of the night... i didn't actually think that was possible... and they come in these huge, tall mugs... like big beer mugs... and i feel like a little kid drinking out of the big people's cups... it's a little bit surreal... so anyways, this friday night tradition i've just decided that i love is unfortunately going to get cut short... no more drinking for the next eight weeks at least... well, for february and march... and the rest of january... some people say it can't be done... some people say that i am incapable of going that long without having to get flat on my back, toes to the ceiling drunk... and maybe they are right. this whole thing will probably make me neurotic and i may break down and sip someone's beer now and again... but i'm serious about it... and i'm pretty stubborn and hate to be told what i can and can't do... so i guess some people saying i can't do it, well, just makes me want to do it even more... and i know that is so like, reverse psychology and being like a little kid, but i don't care... if it's getting done my way that is fine.
so anyways, yeah for hanging out with old friends! we got to see chuck, who we haven't seen in awhile, and kt and charlie and peters and meet some of peters' hs friends... i always love talkin to katie... we sat and talked on the back porch for a long time about just about everything... and it's always great to be able to do that... you do'nt see someone for awhile and sometimes you are a little scared of what you are going to find... because sometimes people change when you least expect it... and maybe kt and i have changed, but i think in all the good ways... b/c no matter how long it has been sometimes, we can always sit down and just jump right back in where we left off... anyways, she gave me some pretty good advice which i really needed... i'm not sure if i really will be taking it, but it gave me some food for thought, which is exactly what the best kind of advice is supposed to do...
pretty loaded friday night... i guess it was just about perfect for a last inebriated night... well, close enough for this round.
*blog*
posted by megs at 17:42
1.12.2004
things are more like they are now than they ever were before--former U.S. president eisenhower
honestly, what has the world come to? the whole reality tv craze is scary enough because we all sit and talk about how dumb it is and you don't understand how stupid people could possibly get sucked into it... and yet we find ourselves getting hooked on the latest show that has hookers living on a desert island with their husbands who are voting off the midgets that are vying for the spot in some crazy polygamous hookup... or something like that... i have to admit, i have sat down weekly to watch some of the reality tv shows and i'm not really sure what to think of myself
what is it about watching other people struggle through not quite true to life situations and air out all their dirty laundry and mental psychoses on television that is so fascinating to the rest of us? do we not have enough going on out here in our own lives? or are we just so obsessed with the link between television and fame that we are scared to be left out at the water cooler when everyone is discussing the latest hottub frolic exhibited on the real world the night before? even better are those loverly shows like the surreal life where we get to watch those who have fallen out of the proverbial limelight into ridiculous (and clearly too private for them) existences and are willing to air their lives on primetime to just get another nibble at their 15 min.
after watching it tonite i actually think this will be better than the first season (yes i'm admitting up front that i revel in others' misery and general embarassment in front of millions of viewers)... sometimes watching these people (like traci bingham bitching about the bathtub being raspberry... like yuck!) makes you wonder what color bathtub you would just refuse to bathe in... i think it would be lemon yellow for me. actually if you think about it all the people on the show remind me of those big caricatures you get done at the mall or fair... you've got the religious zealot, the super smiley nice guy who just wants everyone to get along, the tattooed psycho in serious need of anger management, the small town girl who wants to party (and party and party), the pampered uber bitchy diva, and the gentleman porn star.... okay, the last one is a little weird, but i think porn stars probably always are. they are all so ridiculous and over the top you begin to wonder what really is normal anymore... because obviously i'm not it...
so anyways, you begin to wonder where in this crazy mixed up world you really fit into things. clearly things are not what they seem on tv and those people are not living normal lives (despite what those clever television producers would like us to believe) but what really is normal anymore? two seconds delving around in my head tell me that is not the place to find out. comparatively speaking, i guess normal is really a subjective matter because i could ask 100 people and get a variety of answers (including 'who the hell are you? leave me alone') but maybe it is the kind of thing you have to decide for yourself. not being one to worry too much about what people think of me i guess i should stop looking to others to normalize my own behavior. and that includes those wacky people on television.
i guess watching isn't a bad thing as long as you understand why you are doing it. and now i feel like some exec somewhere is rubbing their hands together going 'yeeeesss... we have the angry, disillusioned young adults of the world watching our shows so that they can bitch about them later... mwah ha ha ha ha ha'
god dammit
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:32
1.09.2004
oooooohhh fuuuuuuddddgggeeee... only i didn't say fudge.
so yeah... this whole thing has escalated and gotten way out of control. now the CEO has been advised by the legal council for the company that he should step out of the "process" and it will be handled entirely by them. also, the COO (the molesterer) has been asked to not come to work today and is not allowed onto the museum floor at all without the consent of the CEO. so yeah, this just go really serious really fast. i was also informed that i will be meeting for about a half hour on monday with some legal counsel someone so and so.
my boss and i are kind of crapping ourselves... we just wanted it to stop, we didn't want to get screwed in the process. now she's thinking that maybe we need a lawyer to protect our rights... in fact that is what she was advised by a friend who has been through the process. i really don't think anyone is trying to screw us here, but there is a possibility and i'd rather be prepared for it. i guess i just have to wait and see how things go on monday.
right now i'm a little scared b/c this is probably the potentially most serious thing that i've ever been involved in... i just hope that it turns out okay. i guess it isn't really out of control because this is exactly what needed to happen. it's just weird knowing that it happened to lots of other people here but now it's on the two of us. it's like i went and stood up for myself (totally against my nature) and it could possibly help all these other people, but it still doesn't make me feel good inside... not yet at least... i have a fuckin headache...
and things always get worse before they get better...
*blog*
posted by megs at 14:02
1.08.2004
so i step into work today and it was the big day where my boss is going to take my letter upstairs to the CEO to explain to him about the creepy old guy who is always harassing us... well, she comes over before i even get my coat off and asks me to go with her so that she won't be the only female at the meeting, and i think that is fair and want to support her so i say okay with no hesitation... then she's all like, okay, let's go...
i got to spend the first hour plus of my morning talking with the CEO, the VP of Exhibits and my boss about inappropriate touching... very specifically about inappropriate touching... when, where, how, what was said, what my reaction was, the whole nine yards... it was an extremely surreal experience. i'm a very closed person and having to open up and talk about something that i've made light of over the last two years in a very serious and very real way was a little bit freaky but now i guess i do feel better b/c maybe this will make it stop.
so anyways, all this grown up stuff makes me yearn for simpler days and simpler times... i want to be a kid again. i guess there are just some things you can't get back.
*blog*
posted by megs at 16:07
1.07.2004
You are by nature a sensitive person, MEGAN, but today you could find yourself especially so. You'll relate better to those around you because you can sense what they need even before they tell you. Spiritual matters are very much on your mind, and books and magazines on the subject could keep you spellbound. Phone calls from far away could also provide a lot of food for thought. Exchange your deepest beliefs and try to get new insights
ooooh... so now by nature i am sensitive... why am i today especially so? is it because i had to write this crazy fuckin letter yesterday outlining how i was sexually harassed by my chief operations officer (or COO, who is my boss' boss) for the last year... probably not. i think it gave me an ulcer in the process because it was a difficult letter to write because now i'm going to be on record for forever as the girl that accused the sweet old grandfatherly guy of sexual harrassment... but he was fuckin creepy and it had to be done.
okay, so on we go... sensing what other people need before they need it... hmmm... okay, fuck what other people need... i wish i knew what i needed before i knew so then i'd have it before i needed it... ummm. yeah. then i'd have everything i ever.... shit, needed.... on we go...
spiritual matters? ummm... i haven't been to church in three years... and my job is boring so anything that distracts me for two minutes will keep me spellbound... but as far as spiritual matters... just too hoaxy to be me...
and the only people that call me from far away are fuckin bill collectors... and i hate that shit! it is so annoying... like i don't know it is them ringing up my cellphone... no one ever calls me... it's like i have this cellphone just to amuse myself, which it does, but otherwise i only get family calls. everyone from out of town calls huey first and suddenly i am just the girlfriend again and i absolutely hate that. it seems like i don't have any friends of my own, just the friends i've grabbed through huey and it is depressing and insightful all at the same time... b/c while they may not have originally been my friends, these are people that i've known for like, five years, and that is like the longest i've known anyone... so i guesss that is kinda cool... except not b/c they aren't my friends... but kinda...
and lastly, i've learned that exchanging my deepest beliefs leads to no new insights, only the things i've always known... you can say the same things a million times and you will probably always get the same responses... people are predictable down to the last second, and it makes me realize how fuckin tired i am of everything and everybody... you hear the same shit over and over, and everyone thinks they have the answers to everything. i wish for once that someone would look at me and tell me that i don't have the answers to everything and that neither do they... because that would be something that i could fuckin believe. everyone thinks they've been through it and can tell you what to do. i don't want to be told what to do anymore. or what not to do. i want someone to tell me to do whatever i want and mean it... to point me out into the world and say, it's all yours... i know it takes a lot of courage to do that but i wish someone would... sometimes it is hard to accept that people can do things without you but i wish someone would... and usually it is scary to be alone but sometimes you crave it and sometimes i wish someone would let me... but my life is not my own... i've never claimed it as that and until i get the balls to i have to live out as who i am.
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:35
1.05.2004
on a totally separate note, as much fun as it can be to call people on their bullshit and be the one to "keep it real", it also leaves you a lot of time looking like a mean, sadistic, bitch... and goddamn it i'm sick of being that mean, sadistic, bitch.
why do i always have to let whatever is rolling around in my head (at least the bad things) just pour out like a fuckin geyser? sometimes i think someone should give me a good pinch and shut me the hell up... it's like right when i'm sure i've said enough, i have to go that extra step and just say the last thing on my mind. i think i should add to my new years resolutions consideration list to keep my mouth shut when i know what i'm saying isn't going to get a good response. maybe just for once i'd like someone to say, you know, that megan always knows the right thing to say... she is a font of wisdom and i am just poised to hear the next honey covered words that will spill forth from her lips... not that i know anyone who talks like that, but it would be nice. yes, megan is nice... i like that way that sounds... or looks in this case.
but then again... what's the point of it all if you can't say what is on your mind, even if you do step on a few toes. maybe people are just too fuckin pathetic to be able to hear the truth and just accept it as that and move on. everything has to be taken so personally instead of just realizing that it is one person's opinion and it has nothing to do with what you yourself think on the subject. why don't people just get some fuckin balls and go out there and stop pretending to be everyone's best friend and just admit that they can't stand half the idiots they meet in this world and that not everyone they pass on the street will smile at them b/c believe it or not, they probably don't like you.
ooooh... bad megan. for someone as sensitive as me you would think that i'd take some friendlier social humanitarian view and love my brother or some bullshit like that. but honestly, i don't like most of the people that i meet. it takes a lot to earn my trust and my respect. and usually once those are lost you can't get them back because i personally don't need assholes in my life. i get enough of that hangin around myself all the time. i guess the real issue is that i don't think most people can live up to the levels of crap that i am willing to dish out at times (read not all the time, because i'm not that mean). when people can dish out as much shit as i can i absolutely adore them. maybe i don't see myself as being quite so nonchalant and carefree as i'd like so when i meet someone who is then they become one of my new favorite people.
i don't want to be nice, but i don't want to be mean... but i don't want to be in the middle because that is just so freakin boring. i need a whole new direction... like... the megan direction. where you are neither and both all at the same time, it's that perfect adorable mix that makes people want to be around you because you are honest in that cruel to be kind but in a tactful way and sweet and sensitive when they need that. yes, it's the megan way... we should all go the megan way.
assuming of course that my way is right... which it is...
*blog*
posted by megs at 22:19
so yeah, i thought i'd be all cool and try to take pictures from my phone and put them on my blog, but the damn technology got in the way again... it's not that i can't figure out how to do it, but that someone out there is blocking my phone waves or whatever cells use to zap shit around... so here is my best effort...
how sexy am i... no really, how sexy am i?!?!
*blog*
posted by megs at 21:55
1.04.2004
sometimes... just sometimes... you wish that things were not what they were... and sometimes... just sometimes... everything is so perfect you want to cry... and sometimes, just sometimes, you wish you weren't drunk blogging at seven in the morning... because what you have to say is so profound, that no one could understand but a kindred spirit and you realize, in this amazing flash, that there is no such thing, and you are all alone in the cosmos... you are one in a billion and nothing you can do will change that... history is a lesson and nothing more... and eventually you will sink into that and be less than what you wanted... great people do great things... what will i do today??
posted by megs at 01:20
1.02.2004
yeah! i learned to knit today... well, maybe not learned everything there is to learn about knitting, but enough to make a little four by four square that looks like a pot holder you make in 3rd grade... absolutely hideous of course but i could tug on it and it didn't fall apart... plus i can completely imagine it being a little wider and a whole lot longer and being a loverly hot pink scarf... yeah! i love learning new things... now i just need to actually find time to sit and do little stiches for hours at a time without stopping because i've learned that my incredibly short attention span doesn't allow for any stops... i stop and i lose my place or my count and suddenly i'm unraveling rows trying to figure out what i need to do next... it's very frustrating...
anyways, so the question here is, what do i make first? scarf? hat? mittens? any suggestions are welcome... thank you and good night...
posted by megs at 19:10
i watched adaptation tonite... and i'd seen the previews and had no interest in it but it was ON DEMAND so we wachted it and it completely blew my mind... the whole thing just had me staring and listening and trying not to miss a thing but left me feeling like i'd missed all the important stuff... i'm going to have to watch it again before i get it... or maybe i won't get it and that is the point... but i'll definately give it another go...
anyways, it has given me my favorite movie quote for the day, so here it is:
donald: i loved sarah, charles. it was mine, that love. i owned it. sarah didn't have the right to take it away. i can love whoever i want.
charlie: but... she thought you were pathetic.
donald: that was her business, not mine. you are what you love, not what loves you. that's something i figured out a long time ago.
Today you might find yourself meeting with a group of people in your community who are particularly concerned about the arts, or about the appearance of the neighborhood. You might also attend a social event of some kind, MEGAN, perhaps with some of the same people. You should be feeling especially congenial towards others, and could well make some new friends in the course of these activities. Have some fun, and enjoy your day!
so yeah... this whole thing has escalated and gotten way out of control. now the CEO has been advised by the legal council for the company that he should step out of the "process" and it will be handled entirely by them. also, the COO (the molesterer) has been asked to not come to work today and is not allowed onto the museum floor at all without the consent of the CEO. so yeah, this just go really serious really fast. i was also informed that i will be meeting for about a half hour on monday with some legal counsel someone so and so.
