even though there is no longer snow on the ground, and the snow day is quickly becoming a distant memory, huey finally fixed my picture blog so here we go... the snow on my dead, dried up ole christmas tree that is on my back porch, just waiting to be carted off to dead christmas tree heaven or something... i think we're hoping it'll just disintegrate completely and blow away... i guess we'll just wait and see...
*blog*
posted by megs at 16:53
2.26.2004
yeah! yeah! yeah! i feel like a kid again! this morning at 6am i was magically transported back 10 years to when i sat and stared at some boring morning newscast just watching the words scroll on the bottom of the screen... except instead of looking for Cobb County Schools... i was watching out for Atlanta Public Schools... and it showed up! about the third time through, which means i had to strain my eyes to see about 200 other school/business/daycare closings also. but it was totally worth it. i hadn't been able to sleep since i'd woken up from my nap at 2, and after i saw there was no work, i was out like a light.
so this leads me to believe that it is actually anxiety about work and having to get up and go to work that is keeping me from sleeping at night. this makes sense to me because i never have a problem sleeping on the weekends... i just lay down and go to sleep. usually multiple times during the day. it all revolves around my crappy job and the horrible effects it is having on my life... but i'm fixing that. i'm fixing all of that. come saint patty's day, i'll be a new woman. bring on the green beer! well, maybe not completely new, but new enough to enjoy green beer! i love st. patty's day b/c i'm part irish and very partial to beer... even if it is of a green poisonous nature. besides, fun things always happen when you get to wear green and pinch people who aren't. despite the fact that you don't get to dress up or hand out presents, i'm pretty sure that this is one of my favorite holidays...
on a side note, i had it all set up to put a great phone picture on here of the snow that is on the dead christmas tree is that is still languishing on my back porch... but the goddamn technology of it all got in the way again... booger... but.........
YEAH FOR SNOW DAYS! YEAH, YEAH!
*blog*
posted by megs at 14:33
2.25.2004
why, why, why is it 4 in the morning and i'm not tired and can't sleep? especially when i had fallen asleep on the couch for 20 min 2 hours ago before i moved into bed... obviously i was tired then... so why in the hell do i go into bed and then become wide awake? what the hell is going on in my head that won't let me rest? i think i'm being punished for something, i just don't know what... maybe i'm just too stressed... i know that i say i'm stressed, and i feel kinda like a lot has happened quickly lately, but what the fuck... this isn't worth it. it scares me that i can't sleep. i want normal hours again. i want to be able to lay down in my bed and drift off, relaxed and carefree like. i was sitting there thinking about sleeping, and i realized i was thinking so hard i was tense. so i forced myself to relax and i swear my whole body settled about 2 inches just because i actually relaxed everything for 2 seconds. this just isn't right. i didn't nap all day, i came home, had a busy evening, and should be tired. i'm going to be a wreck at work tomorrow. then i'm going to be exhausted tomorrow night and this whole cycle will start all over. you know, i actually like sleeping, maybe even more so than the next guy, i just don't know what is going on lately. for the last two months... i just don't know. of course, i don't believe i can really think my way out of this like i try to do everything else and maybe that is part of the problem... okay, i yawned... maybe i'm relaxing a little getting this out... let's try this again. sweet dreams
*blog*
posted by megs at 04:16
riding public transportation to and from work the last few days, i've begun to realize that there is a certain amount of pt etiquette that should be practiced but most people don't follow. just one or two things that should be posted on the doors or repeated by that annoying voice that announces the stops... maybe even during the train ride, liven it up a bit and teach everyone a thing or two...
for one, there's the issue of hygeine... i know the trains/buses smell like public toilets, but when you are crammed in a train after working 10 hours and have someone's elbow in your back and a laptop case in your crotch while grabbing for the nearest handle so you aren't thrown to the ground, it's nice not get naseuting whiffs of BO from the shlump in front of you on top of everything else. this of course goes the other way too... people with too much perfume, aftershave, scented body lotion or whatever need to recognize there is a problem when everyone within a ten foot radius has watery eyes, are wrinkling up their nose and sneezing...
the other annoying this is those damn bags with wheels, whether they be suitcases, backpacks or briefcases... i understand the prevalance of backpain and people's wish to avoid it, but leaving those things to just roll and fall all over peoples toes and legs is very aggravating... i'd like to get through one day without bruised knees and crunched toes... they are worse than people with baby strollers who use their children as plows to get through crowds... and since we're on the subject of personal space, most people just don't respect it. if you are on a train and there are open benches available, why do you have to sit right next to me when you weigh 500 pounds and are going to ooze over into my area? walk your fat ass the five feet further down and plop on two seats like a real man...
i guess the biggest one, which i actually don't follow, is the don't look anyone in the eye rule. i actually am very much against this rule. generally i'm a very antisocial person and i dont want to get caught up in conversation with total strangers, but i think that getting on a train with 100 other people and then pretending they don't exist is just stupid. if you make chance eye contact with someone they hurriedly become interested in their pants crease. there is nothing wrong with a slight acknowledgement and a smile. i hate feeling like there is... i guess everyone else probably thinks i'm the special ed girl who rides everyday just sitting there smiling stupidly all over the place... oh well, you can't win them all.
anyway, i'm hoping to get through my week of MARTA without any major meteorological mishaps b/c i've lost both the umbrellas that i stole from work and don't have anything that even resembles a raincoat or galoshes... showing up to work wet will not make it any more pleasant. speaking of work, i love how everyone at work keeps asking me all concerned-like, are you okay megan? sure, i'm usually tired b/c i don't sleep much but i didn't realize i looked like that much crap. maybe i have the stink of a disinterested employee all over me and my overwhelming desire to give my two weeks is written on my forehead... i dont know what else it could be. either way, while it is funny to me now, i'm sure i'll get really sick of it in a few days because that's how things usually work for me. i know they don't have any genuine concern for my wellbeing, they are just worried i might not show up some day and they'll be screwed... they are so transparent it's sickening.
*blog*
posted by megs at 00:38
2.23.2004
on a side note... i want, i want, i want my background check to go through so i can turn in my two weeks to the assholes i work for now and hightail my butt outta there... just a few more weeks, then i can take a week or so off to, recooperate, from all this god awful stress i've been under... and then i could start with this new job and just see how it goes...
so i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that too...
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:45
lately i've kind of been hung up on the idea of disappointment... it's something that i am very, very afraid of. i think people disappoint themselves all the time. you know your own self worth, and what you are capable of, better than anyone else so you would think you'd be able to gauge this well enough to keep from disappointing yourself all the time. of course it is a natural part of human nature to want to be better, and to push ourselves for something more, not always accepting what is laid in front of us but daring to ask what is behind door number two. setting goals, having dreams, wanting things bigger than yourself all tend to lead to disappointment. and i see people every day who can look this truth right in the eye and just say, screw you, and keep right on trudging ahead. i can't do that all the time. i can't see past my own fear of failure to realize that, sure, things may not work out 90 percent of the time, but when they do... well, i hear it's pretty great. and maybe it makes it all worthwhile.
i think i am disappointed in other people a lot too. i personally hate being judged and being held up to ridiculous expectations that others set for me but i find myself doing it to people all the time. maybe some people would say that i always look for the best in people, but i think it is more that i always expect the best out of people. i get really bitter and angry whenever someone lets me down. do i get over it? yeah, i do, because at heart i'm not really an angry person. but i am the absolute epitome from time to time of "bitter disappointment". judge not lest ye be judged is clearly a concept i understand but can't actually put into effect... i just haven't figured it out all the way yet, but i'm trying.
so i have been setting goals for myself... even small ones, like for what i'm going to do in an evening or over a weekend or maybe even daring to look out over the next year. that i can't think of a single one right now that i've accomplished thus far actually scares the shit out of me. but i guess i can't let that stop me, because then i'd have the face the equally daunting fear of disappointing someone else. sometimes you have to put yourself in front of everyone, even your own ridiculously insecure alter ego, to actually keep from freezing where you are. i can't go on being scared to fail and thereby not setting goals while at the same time trying to not disappoint anyone... the push and pull of those two absolutely rips at my brain and i find myself unable to sleep, unable to concentrate and just plain unable to live. i don't want to be like that.
i just want to be a well adjusted, well rounded, nice megan... who knows its okay to be afraid but it isn't okay to let those fears get the best of me... i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:04
2.21.2004
you wanna see my excited face? this is my excited face....
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit...... sometimes my family can be really embarassing in public situations, and we are all loud and obnoxious and like to argue and yell and stuff.... but for the first time ever someone has come up with an absolutely brilliant idea. my grandmother will be paying for all her blood descendants (so not husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, etc) to go on a 7 night western caribbean cruise this november.... sorry, i have to say it again... holy shit!!!
this is the kind of thing that i would never have gotten to do otherwise, at least not anytime soon... and sure i'd probably end up going on a cruise later on in life and it would be great. but this happening now, this year, is completely freaking amazing... it's like affirming everything i've been feeling and working towards the past two months... this will give me a chance to do something i couldn't have afforded to do otherwise, and all i'll have to worry about are what crazy fun activities i'll be doing at the different ports... parasailing, kayaking, snorkeling... my brain is going to explode!!
and this ship... this ship has an ice skating rink on board... i've only been ice skating once, and now i'll get to go ice skating on international waters... and there's all the regular copious amounts of sunbathing, live entertainment, meals, workout rooms, gambling and clubs that are part of any good cruise... the only other time i've been on a cruise was... eight years ago... and it was for three days... and i remember very little of it... just that i got sunburned... and ouzo tastes like ass... i think that how you spell it...
so yeah, i'm super super excited and just had to record that, because this is like... historic... huge... phenomenal.... all that stuff...
*blog*
posted by megs at 21:20
2.20.2004
yeah... so whatever i was high on yesterday, i'm over it today... i'm totally freakin exhausted... and i feel like shit. literally. i think i came down with something. and huey has it too because he's bein even more pitiful sick than i am, so maybe he gave it to me. who knows... he thinks it was the mexican last night, but honestly we ate totally different things so i don't think its that. i think that i'm just emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted... this whole week has been this huge build up and i think it was bubbling up last night... and today i feel like someone pulled the drain and it all just went *swoosh* out and i'm left feeling very empty and tired...
i have one plan for this weekend... i'm setting a goal of finishing all three transcriptions that i have in my posession... because that, with the one i just finished the other day, gets me $700... for 3 days work... that is the only thing i'm worried about... sux that the only thing i can think of to do on my weekend off is work, but i'm kinda numb to the whole thing right now and on a roll with these transcriptions, so i might as well just go for it... if i don't get them done, it won't be the first time... so no big deal...
okay, too tired to type anymore... i want margaritas... yum...
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:32
2.19.2004
Even a thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us. --Friedrich Nietzsche--
man, things have been so hectic lately... and i've totally neglected my blog... but sometimes too much shit is going on and i can't sit down and organize all my thoughts... i guess that's how it's been lately... it's funny how so much can be going on that you stop and suddenly realize that you haven't actually thought about anything in awhile, you've just been running on autopilot... and not in that bored stuck in a rut kind of way, but the exciting moving too fast to think kind of way... things have to be done and you do them, without thinking, no questions asked, because if you stop you miss out... it's very exciting and yet... when you do stop you wonder where the time went... but that would be looking back and now... now i'm looking forward... it's my whole theme for the year...
and speaking of looking forward, i have a ton more to do in the upcoming days... sitting here and realizing that things could change dramatically for me in the next two or three weeks is a weird feeling for me.. i've always been one to approach change in slow, thoughtful increments... now i have this opportunity to just kind of leap frog ahead and do things i normally wouldn't do and i guess stopping to breathe scares me because i'm afraid i might choke on the intake and stumble... so i'm steaming ahead, no regrets...
if i haven't already said it enough... i'm hella excited...
plus my financial outlook is promising, despite the negative insights of my horoscopes in such matters... the thought that i might actually be able to afford to pay my taxes, pay for school and pay for a car in the next six months is so daunting that i'm afraid to look at it too long because it may disappear just like that... kind of like those stars that are really faint and far away... you kind of have to avert your gaze and catch them with the corner of your eye... and you see that the possibility is there... knock on wood to not jinx myself.
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:01
2.11.2004
Don't count on me, to let you know when.
Don't count on me, I'll do it again.
Don't count on me, it's the point you're missing.
Don't count on me, cause I'm not listening.
--sum 41, fat lip--
there was a point in my life where no one really expected anything out of me and i kind of rejoiced in that because then there is no pressure and you never feel like you are letting anyone down or not living up to expectations or that dreaded P word while at the same time you get to actually surprise a few people here and there and get the chance to be amazing some days until they suddenly realize what you are capable of and then it becomes habit to keep it up but eventually you get really tired of it and are sick of always doing things right and you begin to slip so you become anti-amazing and just quit on everything while trying to get back to that point where you were before so you can regain that feeling where you surprise people but you can't ever really go back since you've peaked because you will always be measured against that high point even if it isn't fair and ultimately you end up in these ridiculous, humiliating failure scenarios over and over again and are always apologizing even when you don't understand why until you one day just really just want to look at everyone and tell them to fuck off and leave you alone... but you don't... because you can't... and it's maddening...
what's worse is that any feelings of competency that you have get competely overshadowed by these doubts and fears and overall feelings of frustration because you begin to argue with yourself about how you are doing your best and you yell back because you know you are lying but you don't want to face yourself when you know you are your toughest critic so you kind of slink around just trying to get by and hating everyone else for making you feel this way when really it's just yourself that you are lying to because the truth is that no one else really thinks about it or dwells on the fact that you haven't gotten anywhere that you'd planned to yet because they really don't care what they hell you are doing because they have their own broken dreams and insecurities to deal with and don't really have time to deal with your neuroses since they are tied up in their own disappointments so at some point you really have to lay this all down at your feet and just accept the fact that every day you wake up and it's a new day which means that you deserve a new chance and are starting from right where you are with no assumptions as to where the day will ultimately end and if people can't accept that then yes, you can tell them to fuck off... because you owe yourself that.
*blog*
posted by megs at 00:03
2.10.2004
the powers that be at work must be fucking idiots... or think that i am... or more appropriately, that my boss and i are... because they gave us this ridiculous letter outlining everything that has happened as a result of the complaint... how they think it is completely wrong, and will not be condoned... how they have accepted the guilty party's immediate resignation... notwithstanding a three week period in which he will stay on to help out the company until they can find a replacement for him... because of course the company is in dire financial need and his expertise is absolutely required... which is a load of horseshit b/c he's got his head up his ass most of the time and is actually the one responsible for getting the company into the aforementioned shithole... he should be gone, and his continued presence in an office overlooking where i work (yes there is a huge window) makes me nervous... and the fact that i could run into him at anytime if i'm walking around upstairs makes me nervous... and the fact that my boss ran into him today and he actually spoke to her makes me nervous...
so basically this letter was given to us and we are to sign it saying that we are okay with all of this and we think the company has done a bang up job of making us happy, etc. etc... basically we sign away any and all rights we have so that they can have proof that they did everything right and sleep easy at night knowing we won't sue... but i'm not stupid... i already have looked into it and i know that by the letter of the law they have done everything, and maybe even a little bit more, than they are required too... they have done a lot towards removing the threat which was making the work environment hostile for the complaintants (me included)... and i do appreciate that... but then they go on about how they are only trying to do what is best for us when clearly they are only doing what is best for the company... they don't want to have to explain why their CFO had to leave a month before his scheduled retirement date so they are stretching it out as long as possible... they don't want to have to explain his continued absence while he works from home so they have asked us to just not go into the administrative offices where the mail room, copy room, coffee, meetings, etc. all are... it's like they've created our turf and his...
and i'm not angry about that... i completely understand... i just don't see why i have to give my acquiesence to all of this... i've accepted it... i haven't been dragged kicking and screaming into, but i'm not skipping along either... i refuse to give my blessing to something that wasn't even my decision and that i actually wasn't even directly consulted on... all of this was decided without me and the only person who has asked my opinion is my boss and she's way more pissed off about all of this than i am...
i was talking to my sister about this and she made an excellent point... she said that, taking into consideration who he was and who we are, the outcome isn't really all that surprising... maybe if the roles had been reversed and it was an upper management woman making a complaint about a middle or lower management man then it would have made some difference... in fact, i'm absolutely sure that it would... really we are powerless in this situation... the only thing that we have left is all tied up in that letter...
so i want to just flat refuse to sign it... but i don't really know how they are going to react to it... and i'd like to write some eloquent addendum to it outlining my personal feelings towards the whole situation... but really this has been taken out of the personal arena a long time ago... putting myself out there probably wouldn't help matters much... i have no legal claim against any of it... it just doesn't make me feel comfortable... and i know the CEO is going to come traipsing downstairs in the next day or two asking for the signed letters... and what of it then? i can't let my boss speak for me anymore b/c i think trying to take some sort of united front on this would be a bad idea... i think we both have our own reasons for not signing... some of which are related but not entirely...
and what's really ironic is that here i am all stressed out about my work situation when the whole point of reporting these types of things is to make it better... and it hasn't, at all... it's made it harder in about a million ways... and i honestly wish now that i'd never said anything in the first place... and that makes me feel worse... and i blame the company for that.
*blog*
posted by megs at 04:21
2.08.2004
i'm one of those people that likes to plan... i like to make lists... i make lists of the lists i have to make... something about me being unorganized and realizing that, if left to my own devices, i'd never actually get anything done... and really i don't... planning is my excuse... i tell myself that if i don't plan for things they'll pass me by... i know this b/c that is how it always worked before... i got to the point where i felt like i had control over nothing anymore, and losing control, for me, makes me depressed... and i'm not the kind of person who can go along being depressed b/c it is contrary to who i am... so i started planning things just to get a better handle, or a different perspective, on my life... generally it worked out okay... i plan for things which are important, like finances, big parties, vacations, school... etc, etc... generally it gives me this great sense of accomplishment... but i've noticed more and more that sometimes i spend too much time planning and not enough time doing...
so i'm torn between the old, non-planning me who was generally apathetic to everything and just assumed things would happen (which of course they hardly ever did) but had nice surprises now and again thanks to the loverly spontaneity of life.... and the new slightly-improved planning me who gets a few necessary things done but really misses out on the big picture by getting too caught up in the details... clearly they both have their strengths and their weaknesses...
this year i have sort of pledged myself to moving forward... in many ways, most of which i'm probably not prepared for but am going to do nonetheless... there are things that i have to plan to do, such as saving money for school, because just showing up on the first day isn't really going to cut it... but i'm trying to be a lot more open to basically not being in control all the time... all decisions don't have to be mine and it's okay to trust to other people and chance in some areas of my life... and sure, i may move forward and do all sorts of things only to find that i'm pretty much where i started, but i think the journey is really the important part and not so much where i end up... because if i can get this part of it right, then i think... i hope... well, i have faith that rest will work itself out... and if by some happy miracle i find myself in a totally different place at the end of this year, that would be nice too...
i guess that before i was afraid to move forward without resolving certain things and making important decisions... i'd been standing at the proverbial crossroads trying to figure it out... what i didn't realize is that the answers are up there ahead of me somewhere... i just need to go find them.
Watershed
Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
--Indigo Girls--
*blog*
posted by megs at 07:14
2.05.2004
The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood.
after thinking more about this... and reading a little deeper... i think this is the part i have the most trouble with... i used to be this person... a person who believed that great things were possible and that i was going somewhere... the where never really mattered but i had faith that i would end up right where i belonged... things used to be so much simpler and it was easy for me to feel like the world was just there for the taking... somewhere along the way i think this faith got clouded for me... i hit a few roadbumps and realized that things don't always come easy... in fact, the things that are really worth it demand a much higher price... so i've been sulking like a teenager just wanting someone who would come along and set it right for me... but no one can do that for me... there's been a long time since i've had hope for anything outside of what is right in front of me...
i think that what i forgot somewhere along the way was that, actually, things weren't always easy for me... i spent a lot of time fighting for the things i wanted and working very hard to get them... back then i wanted small things... hs is all about small things, isn't it? being out here in the real world you realize that things are much bigger and it's scary... so much so that i gave up at some point b/c i was too afraid of failing... to say i didn't have the support i needed would be a lie... the only weak link in this chain is me... realizing and admitting that has been very important to me...
so anyway, yes, i do have a problem with this part of this whole psyche eval... but not because i think it is completely wrong... i think it is completely right but it is something that i'm scared to do... i'm scared to be that person again because it seemed so naive... being that person got me hurt... knowing who you are and being who are you is a world apart... being practical and just getting by has gotten me nowhere and i'm just about tired of it... i guess i've played this part out and it's time for me to get back to where i belong... the implications of that have yet to be seen :o)
*blog*
posted by megs at 17:17
2.04.2004
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.
Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.
Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.
Idealists are rare, making up between 25 and 30 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.
all i can say is... horseshit...
well, okay, maybe it isn't that far off... but most people label me a cynic and a realist, not a hopeless dreamer out to make the whole world a better place... most people call that the "real" me... i guess i couldn't say yay or nay either way (oh god, that rhymed) but really i think the jury is still out on this one... i've been told that i put up a front and just play along with what people already expect from me... and that may not be too far off base when i'm dealing with the general public... but i'd like to think that i don't subject my close friends to that kind of bullshit... so therein lies the conflict... they are the ones who think i'm a cynic, while some random personality quiz that grades me on how i would react to certain situations says i am an idealist... maybe i really am schizo... sounds like i'm two different people...
i think i'm going to write up a short survey and see who wants to be acquainted with which part of megan, that way i can keep it straight and make everyone happy...
*blog*
posted by megs at 22:03
2.03.2004
it's amazing how an evening of DC therapy can really put things in perspective... being the huge fan that i am, i can sit and watch the show and it actually reminds me of what was going on my own life when those episodes originally aired... i think that is what i always loved about it. i could relate to it so easily even though the problems and the people weren't necessarily mine... it's ironic how they spend so much time on the show rehashing their rather conflicted history that they all have together and it gets me thinking about my own... it's amazing how all the characters seem to remind me of people i've known... i hate to pigeon hole people or define the limits of who they are, but it's always fun to be able to look at someone and think to yourself, i see a little bit of dawson or pacey in him, or she could be a joey... just as long as it isn't a guy with a little bit of jack in him ;o)
seriously though, as cheesy as it is and even though it is completely embarassing, i have to say it is the one show i could watch over and over again... yes, i have laughed out loud while watching DC. yes, i have cried silent tears while watching DC. yes, i have turned to make a comment and realized no one was there and yet continued to converse with myself or a pet while watching DC. is it my favorite show ever? i think it just might be... i have almost a full 40 gig hard drive on huey's computer filled up with replaytv'd episodes of it... i think that qualifies me for some sort of fan club membership... just wait til i get a dvd burner and make a library...
you punks will be sooooo jealous.
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:24
2.02.2004
the times when you sit and are totally selfish... you think only of yourself and how you are going to come out of a situation unscathed and ready to fight another day... sometimes you shove someone else on top of the bomb and run... it may sound wrong but goddammit... we can't be mother theresa all the time, can we?
selfishness is a very complex thing to understand. often times you see it in its basest, most obvious form... i want, i need, gimme gimme... that's ridiculous and childish but it is something that we understand and connect with... occasionally it comes across in a slightly more clouded way. putting your own feelings in front of someone else... why is it so difficult? why are our needs so taboo but helping someone we don't even know is heralded as sainthood? i don't understand it sometimes... it is one thing to go out of your way to help a stranger... but what do you do when your kindness is returned with ridicule and hatred? i've been called a cynic but i know this to be true... when it comes down to a situation where it is you and the other guy, choosing to protect your own interests in the most honest, ruthless way is often looked down upon...
yet you have to ensure your own happiness... what good is it to put others up while you are constantly being pushed down? do people have problems worse than mine? yes. are other people in more pain than i am? of course. can i fix it for them with some well-meant but otherwise empty gesture? probably not. ahhhh... but will i stop trying? of course not. a good dose of sympathy mixed with a big faceful of reality is all we really need to keep ourselves from becoming too engrossed in this whole mess of balancing cruelness with kindness...
of course, the people who know me would probably say that i'm cruel... and that i'm selfish... and if all this is true, then why am i not exactly where i want to be?? clearly i've gotten something wrong along the way... i just don't know what... i don't give money to homeless (or bums) but if i have any food in the car i'm willing to hand it over... i don't give rides to strangers but i'll buy someone a marta token anyday... part of me says, what's to keep them from selling it off for something else? but you know what, i tried... what more do you want from me?
even though there is no longer snow on the ground, and the snow day is quickly becoming a distant memory, huey finally fixed my picture blog so here we go... the snow on my dead, dried up ole christmas tree that is on my back porch, just waiting to be carted off to dead christmas tree heaven or something... i think we're hoping it'll just disintegrate completely and blow away... i guess we'll just wait and see...
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit...... sometimes my family can be really embarassing in public situations, and we are all loud and obnoxious and like to argue and yell and stuff.... but for the first time ever someone has come up with an absolutely brilliant idea. my grandmother will be paying for all her blood descendants (so not husbands or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends, etc) to go on a 7 night western caribbean cruise this november.... sorry, i have to say it again... holy shit!!!
