Don't count on me, to let you know when.
Don't count on me, I'll do it again.
Don't count on me, it's the point you're missing.
Don't count on me, cause I'm not listening.
--sum 41, fat lip--
there was a point in my life where no one really expected anything out of me and i kind of rejoiced in that because then there is no pressure and you never feel like you are letting anyone down or not living up to expectations or that dreaded P word while at the same time you get to actually surprise a few people here and there and get the chance to be amazing some days until they suddenly realize what you are capable of and then it becomes habit to keep it up but eventually you get really tired of it and are sick of always doing things right and you begin to slip so you become anti-amazing and just quit on everything while trying to get back to that point where you were before so you can regain that feeling where you surprise people but you can't ever really go back since you've peaked because you will always be measured against that high point even if it isn't fair and ultimately you end up in these ridiculous, humiliating failure scenarios over and over again and are always apologizing even when you don't understand why until you one day just really just want to look at everyone and tell them to fuck off and leave you alone... but you don't... because you can't... and it's maddening...
what's worse is that any feelings of competency that you have get competely overshadowed by these doubts and fears and overall feelings of frustration because you begin to argue with yourself about how you are doing your best and you yell back because you know you are lying but you don't want to face yourself when you know you are your toughest critic so you kind of slink around just trying to get by and hating everyone else for making you feel this way when really it's just yourself that you are lying to because the truth is that no one else really thinks about it or dwells on the fact that you haven't gotten anywhere that you'd planned to yet because they really don't care what they hell you are doing because they have their own broken dreams and insecurities to deal with and don't really have time to deal with your neuroses since they are tied up in their own disappointments so at some point you really have to lay this all down at your feet and just accept the fact that every day you wake up and it's a new day which means that you deserve a new chance and are starting from right where you are with no assumptions as to where the day will ultimately end and if people can't accept that then yes, you can tell them to fuck off... because you owe yourself that.
