i'm one of those people that likes to plan... i like to make lists... i make lists of the lists i have to make... something about me being unorganized and realizing that, if left to my own devices, i'd never actually get anything done... and really i don't... planning is my excuse... i tell myself that if i don't plan for things they'll pass me by... i know this b/c that is how it always worked before... i got to the point where i felt like i had control over nothing anymore, and losing control, for me, makes me depressed... and i'm not the kind of person who can go along being depressed b/c it is contrary to who i am... so i started planning things just to get a better handle, or a different perspective, on my life... generally it worked out okay... i plan for things which are important, like finances, big parties, vacations, school... etc, etc... generally it gives me this great sense of accomplishment... but i've noticed more and more that sometimes i spend too much time planning and not enough time doing...
so i'm torn between the old, non-planning me who was generally apathetic to everything and just assumed things would happen (which of course they hardly ever did) but had nice surprises now and again thanks to the loverly spontaneity of life.... and the new slightly-improved planning me who gets a few necessary things done but really misses out on the big picture by getting too caught up in the details... clearly they both have their strengths and their weaknesses...
this year i have sort of pledged myself to moving forward... in many ways, most of which i'm probably not prepared for but am going to do nonetheless... there are things that i have to plan to do, such as saving money for school, because just showing up on the first day isn't really going to cut it... but i'm trying to be a lot more open to basically not being in control all the time... all decisions don't have to be mine and it's okay to trust to other people and chance in some areas of my life... and sure, i may move forward and do all sorts of things only to find that i'm pretty much where i started, but i think the journey is really the important part and not so much where i end up... because if i can get this part of it right, then i think... i hope... well, i have faith that rest will work itself out... and if by some happy miracle i find myself in a totally different place at the end of this year, that would be nice too...
i guess that before i was afraid to move forward without resolving certain things and making important decisions... i'd been standing at the proverbial crossroads trying to figure it out... what i didn't realize is that the answers are up there ahead of me somewhere... i just need to go find them.
Watershed
Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.
