2.23.2004
lately i've kind of been hung up on the idea of disappointment... it's something that i am very, very afraid of. i think people disappoint themselves all the time. you know your own self worth, and what you are capable of, better than anyone else so you would think you'd be able to gauge this well enough to keep from disappointing yourself all the time. of course it is a natural part of human nature to want to be better, and to push ourselves for something more, not always accepting what is laid in front of us but daring to ask what is behind door number two. setting goals, having dreams, wanting things bigger than yourself all tend to lead to disappointment. and i see people every day who can look this truth right in the eye and just say, screw you, and keep right on trudging ahead. i can't do that all the time. i can't see past my own fear of failure to realize that, sure, things may not work out 90 percent of the time, but when they do... well, i hear it's pretty great. and maybe it makes it all worthwhile.
i think i am disappointed in other people a lot too. i personally hate being judged and being held up to ridiculous expectations that others set for me but i find myself doing it to people all the time. maybe some people would say that i always look for the best in people, but i think it is more that i always expect the best out of people. i get really bitter and angry whenever someone lets me down. do i get over it? yeah, i do, because at heart i'm not really an angry person. but i am the absolute epitome from time to time of "bitter disappointment". judge not lest ye be judged is clearly a concept i understand but can't actually put into effect... i just haven't figured it out all the way yet, but i'm trying.
so i have been setting goals for myself... even small ones, like for what i'm going to do in an evening or over a weekend or maybe even daring to look out over the next year. that i can't think of a single one right now that i've accomplished thus far actually scares the shit out of me. but i guess i can't let that stop me, because then i'd have the face the equally daunting fear of disappointing someone else. sometimes you have to put yourself in front of everyone, even your own ridiculously insecure alter ego, to actually keep from freezing where you are. i can't go on being scared to fail and thereby not setting goals while at the same time trying to not disappoint anyone... the push and pull of those two absolutely rips at my brain and i find myself unable to sleep, unable to concentrate and just plain unable to live. i don't want to be like that.
i just want to be a well adjusted, well rounded, nice megan... who knows its okay to be afraid but it isn't okay to let those fears get the best of me... i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
*blog*
posted by megs at 19:04
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