the times when you sit and are totally selfish... you think only of yourself and how you are going to come out of a situation unscathed and ready to fight another day... sometimes you shove someone else on top of the bomb and run... it may sound wrong but goddammit... we can't be mother theresa all the time, can we?
selfishness is a very complex thing to understand. often times you see it in its basest, most obvious form... i want, i need, gimme gimme... that's ridiculous and childish but it is something that we understand and connect with... occasionally it comes across in a slightly more clouded way. putting your own feelings in front of someone else... why is it so difficult? why are our needs so taboo but helping someone we don't even know is heralded as sainthood? i don't understand it sometimes... it is one thing to go out of your way to help a stranger... but what do you do when your kindness is returned with ridicule and hatred? i've been called a cynic but i know this to be true... when it comes down to a situation where it is you and the other guy, choosing to protect your own interests in the most honest, ruthless way is often looked down upon...
yet you have to ensure your own happiness... what good is it to put others up while you are constantly being pushed down? do people have problems worse than mine? yes. are other people in more pain than i am? of course. can i fix it for them with some well-meant but otherwise empty gesture? probably not. ahhhh... but will i stop trying? of course not. a good dose of sympathy mixed with a big faceful of reality is all we really need to keep ourselves from becoming too engrossed in this whole mess of balancing cruelness with kindness...
of course, the people who know me would probably say that i'm cruel... and that i'm selfish... and if all this is true, then why am i not exactly where i want to be?? clearly i've gotten something wrong along the way... i just don't know what... i don't give money to homeless (or bums) but if i have any food in the car i'm willing to hand it over... i don't give rides to strangers but i'll buy someone a marta token anyday... part of me says, what's to keep them from selling it off for something else? but you know what, i tried... what more do you want from me?
