i know that people think i'm mean sometimes. or that i'm cynical. or a bitch. and maybe i am but it's partly to hide all the other things i've got going on inside. i can get hurt just as easily as the next person... maybe even easier because i was kind of broken to start with. i'm not easily offended and i like to argue. talk about pointless things for hours just to keep talking with endless, harmless banter. one of my favorite past times. those long nights staying up to watch the sunrise and just talking about whatever crossed our minds. it was always enlightening and i loved every minute of it. somewhere in those conversations you could pull out bits and pieces and realize how amazing some of your friends can really be. but i have this really bad habit of saying things i don't mean. and insulting people who don't deserve it, especially not from me. obnoxious, biting comments pop out before i can stop them. and i suck at apologies. but all that isn't me. i guess i figure the people who know me really well and care about me remember this from time to time. maybe they can judge me by the times when i've pulled my head out of my ass and actually been amazing right back at them. the times i've dropped the act and stopped playing long enough to remind them how important they are to me. and maybe because of this they won't say mean things to me, shut me out or forget about me in the long run. i'd hate for that to happen because it puts a knot in my stomach that won't go away and makes me feel alone and unsure. i use to love this song. maybe because i used to be more like this. since then a lot of stuff has happened, i've been hurt and hurt others. so i've got the same walls everyone has now to protect this part of me that i've always cherished. i guess you could call my bitchiness preventive maintenance to keep people from getting to this part of me. i thought maybe reminding people that it's there would help them understand... what little there is to understand at least.
I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that it's impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way
*blog*
posted by megs at 02:23
3.30.2004
well, the little buggers were making noise so huey sent me back in here. apparently they decided they actually were not tired but wanted to watch the dora the explorer tape they brought with them instead. so they were both over by the computer trying to figure out how to fit a vhs in the dvd rom drive. cute kids. they are both sleeping now, so i'll just really quick mention something huey told me about.
apparently the kids took a liking to my fairly odd parents gooze character squeeze thingy because they'd been squishing it and laughing at the sounds all night. deedee though... she turned to huey and pointed at the girl's chest and kept saying "boobies!" and giggling madly. i don't know if it was the maxim she was reading or if she picked it up somewhere else. i'm hoping somewhere else or her mother will kill me. it was funny though. huey said he was a little embarassed but amused. anyway, clicking keys might wake them up. i'm out. later.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:14
3.29.2004
okay, so it wasn't really that bad. i just never realized that doing anything with a two year old and four year old in tow is going to actually quadruple the amount of time it takes to do anything. i was worried picking them up at 3, taking them to the playground, pickin up huey and making dinner would put us to about 6 or 7 at the latest. i was actually stressing about how i was going to keep two little girls busy when our coolest toys are our computers and replay tv. but here it is 10 and i'm just getting them ready for bed because we just finished eating.
i think the funniest thing all night is that deedee (the four year old) is very grown up of course and can do everything herself. and she wants to be as grown up as everyone else, so she came in, sat in the recliner with her legs all crossed and started reading the nearest "book". i had no idea what she was flipping through til i looked closer and saw a 3/4 naked paris hilton on the front. seems her reading material of choice is maxim. i just laughed my ass off. she was flipping through, pointing out cars, tigers, whatever she saw. then one page she turned to she gasped and covered her mouth. "bootie" she said knowingly, and kept on going. it was pretty damn funny. kids make me laugh. i hope her mother isn't reading this though. but yeah, i've got them on the blow up king size bed now, own pillows, own blankets, own space, so i'm hoping they'll pass out now. i'm going to get outta here b/c me being here is just a distraction. i need them to sleep so i can stop worrying about them.
*blog*
posted by megs at 22:10
oh motherf***er... i hate it when i am right. hate it hate it hate it. and i hate diapers. apparently i gotta go potty=i already went potty and want you to find out after i trick you into feeling proud of me. dammit.
*blog*
posted by megs at 18:18
oh... my... god. it's been three hours and i'm freakin exhausted already. if i ever talk about wanting kids sometime soon, remind me of this day. please. *sigh*
i have to get back quick. in the two minutes it took me to do this, i'm sure someone has broken something, fallen down, spilled something, messed their pullups, or started crying for no reason. i'd hate for them to stop getting spoiled for much longer. which by the way reminds me. these kids know what is up. they've got me wrapped around their little finger. i feel like a sucker, but just want them to like me. i feel like i'm 10 again. sharing my candy so the other kids will like me.
*blog*
posted by megs at 18:05
it ocurred to me sometime between today and yesterday who the the kind of people i look up to are. they are nothing like me. they see something they want and they go after it. they take the world head on without wondering where their next safe step is. they look out into the world through open windows, not closing doors. something comes up, and they figure out how it can be done, not all the ways it is impossible. they don't blame where they are on the people around them. they aren't afraid to admit they are unhappy because they are always planning ways to change that. you can grab them by the shoulders and point them in a direction and say go, and they'll go without a worry about where they are going, how they're going to get there, or what other people think. they ask questions instead of assuming answers. they know acceptance doesn't have to equal giving up.
i see problems and i have to solve them. if something doesn't work i want to fix it. if someone isn't happy i want to make them smile. a lot of times i'll sit for a long time and see something that is out of place or a picture that is just a bit off, and it'll drive me nuts until i'll have to get up and fix it. i'm a control freak. i like things done my way. i like doing things myself because i'm sure someone else won't do it the way i like it. everything within my sphere of influence has to be the way i like it or i get cranky and then panicky. i'm selfish. i listen to other people because i expect them to listen to me. if something's personal that means it's mine and you'll get it on my terms or not at all. i don't like sharing. i'm weak. i do a lot of things i don't want to do because i don't want to argue. i let people be mean to me because i don't know how to make them stop. people push me around because they know i'm too scared to say no. i'm a happy person. i love to laugh out loud because it makes my stomach hurt. i like hearing jokes but i suck at telling them. sometimes i smile with my whole body. i'm sensitive. i read or watch the news and cry when no one's watching. i worry about hurting other people's feelings. i am sarcastic and cynical to cover up when my own feelings are hurt. being shut out or ignored makes my stomach hurt. i'm mean. i say biting things to bring other people down. i tell people i hate them especially when i don't. i hold grudges for things that never even mattered out of spite. i blame other people so i don't have to think of what i've done. i'm scared of a lot of things. i have a lot of friends but don't let people close. i'm more likely to tell a total stranger how i feel. i look to others to see how they do things. i like to ask questions. i'm annoying. i persist in situations i think are important. i try to do the right thing. i dont think the right thing is ever good for me. i don't trust people. i assume things are a certain way until i'm proven otherwise. i like to be proven wrong. i'm vulnerable. i've built a million walls that can dropped with a look. i avoid eye contact. i think people's eyes give too much away. i like making eye contact with strangers because they look away first. i'm playful. i get ticklish on my ribcage unless i tell myself not to be. i'm weird about my ears. i'm neurotic. i go through situations over and over, doing the same things and expecting different results. i can't breathe in high stress situations. i have panic attacks. i like being around people even if it makes me feel more alone. i'm a talker. i fill up empty space with pointless conversation because i get nervous in silence. i like to listen. i want to know how other people think and what makes them tick. i hate being asked how i feel or what i'm thinking but often will ask others. i shut down emotionally when i'm asked to open up. i'm disappointment. i have ridiculously high standards for people and none for myself. i want people to care. i think it's less about love or hate and more about whether or not you care at all. i can be a perfectionist but i'm not perfect. i put my foot in my mouth and don't even realize it. i say the wrong thing in every situation. i'm tired. and i think way too much about things that don't really matter.
sometimes you get really weirded out late at night. and you've been listening to strange music that isn't you for hours. and you look around and start to wonder what is going on. who are these people. who is that guy over there? who is that on the couch? who is out smoking right now? who is that in the mirror. oh wait, it's just the other girl you are. i love that. when you catch a glimpse of yourself and don't know who you are looking at. it's the same as staring at yourself in the mirror for so long that your face melts into something unrecognizable. it's a blur you see. a hint of what's really there. i want to just start turning to the people around me and saying who are you? whenever i get bored. and then keep asking it. i think people will stop talking because that question doesn't really have an answer.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:21
3.28.2004
today i drove for the first time in two weeks. it was an absolutely gorgeous day. warm, sunny, bright. perfect early spring weather. i took the really long way to my sister's house today. she lives 45 min away anyway but i went the longer way, i just took all the backroads and avoided the highways. weaving the windy roads through other people's neighborhoods with the windows down and music up was very, very nice. i love love love to drive. you don't realize how much you miss it until, well, you haven't done it. and sure, it's nice to ride. you get to look at more things when you are riding. and if the scenery is worth it then i'd give that a try. but driving is much better. you are in control and you get into this kind of rhythm when you are driving. i do at least. it used to be more apparent when i drove a stick and it's funny because i haven't driven a stick in almost two years but i still keep my right hand on the little gear changer that changes from park to drive. it's that i'm ghost shifting in my mind.
so the surprise party went pretty well. my nephew almost fell down the stairs when the lights came on and kids screamed surprised. i think it actually scared the crap out of him at first. i think the kids actually scared the crap out of themselves a little bit. then he of course had a blast because he's 12 and it was his birthday. deedee and rosie were so cute today. they are like little copies of each other. i took some pictures with my camera phone of them but my picture blog is having technical difficulties. i think it took my own neice and nephew some five years to figure out who i was and actually learn my name. i'm pretty sure they were both scared of me until they were school age, and maybe a little after that, because i never really saw them that much when they were really little. angel was the aunt babysitter, not megan. anyway, these two little girls break my heart, because i walk in today and have seen them only a handful of times and they both just yell out my name and plaster themselves to my legs in hugs. it's the cutest thing ever.
which leads to the next scary thing. seeing cute kids makes you want to have your own. my older sister was going pscyho nuts today. she had screaming kids all over her house. fights breakin out, messes being made, bumped knees and bruised elbows. i saw all this and i still got that "i want one" feeling. it must be some girl brain thing, like a part of our brain is programmed to think that way. i can't explain where else it came from. especially with all the insanity that was happening around me. as soon as i left i began to think better of it. it's like something clicked in my brain and i came back to reality. so rest assured, there will be no little megs running around causing trouble anytime soon. thank goodness. that would be trouble and a half.
oh, and then tomorrow, or later on today, is the elite eight game for tech. i'm going to watch it. sort of watch it. follow it. i'm not a basketball fan. really i'm not a sports fan. well, i am. but i'm not. i am but for specific reasons. i like tech though. but i don't want to be bad luck. which you sometimes feel like if you don't watch sports teams all the time. so i'll be careful. and tune the game out if we are doing poorly b/c it'll be my fault in an unlucky charm kind of way. yeah. go tech!
*blog*
posted by megs at 03:42
3.27.2004
i'm thinking that with the recent surge in popularity of carb-free diets like atkins and south beach, etc. that some of the carb-rich foods that we have known and loved are being sorely neglected. take macaroni for example. a favorite among all kids as part of the dynamic duo mac and cheez, it was also often paired with glue (though not quite as often eaten). using pasta for art was an invitation as a child to start playing more with all the other food. like mashed potato mountains. you could make all kinds of things out of different kinds of pasta... in fact, i think the myriad of shapes and colors that pasta is made in begs for just such a use. since people won't eat the pasta anymore, let them hang it on their walls in the form of huge noodle collages to boggle the mind and entice the appetite. maybe it would be too much for these people though, having to be around carbs and not being able to eat them. that is why they are taking over the supermarket with carb free food, right? aisles and aisles of it... it's hard to find just regular food anymore. you glance down the pasta, rice and cereal aisles and you can practically see a tumbleweed rolling by. it's ridiculous. anyway, back to the point... more noodle art. it's way better than poodle art because it doesn't snap at you. and more noodle apparel. in fact, more food art and apparel in general. candy necklaces are also another favorite you don't see just anywhere anymore. i'm going to get on this. i'm going to make it happen. when i get something together, i'll take a picture and post it.
happy noodling.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:45
3.26.2004
these boots were made for walkin....
um... i wonder if this is like the real sex i saw where the guy went to a brothel and wanted the girl to stomp on his nuts with her heels...
*blog*
posted by megs at 17:06
SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
growing up, bdays were always this huge thing around my house. your birthday was the day that you got to be queen (or king) of the household. with some limits of course. but all your chores were pushed onto someone else, you got to pick where everyone went to dinner, and we always always always had icecream and cake. no exceptions. we'd even do all of this if the birthday person wasn't actually in town. one shining example is my sister courtney's birthday one year when she'd already left to go join up with the navy... we actually have a picture of a cake and my mom sitting behind it with a picture of courtney held up in front of her face. i think it's clear that we are kind of kooky.
that being said, i don't ever remember having any birthday parties though. well, that's not true. i think i had one at the neighborhood pool one year, but that could just as easily be a very vivid dream that i've tricked into reality. i remember angel having one party at our house. but no roller rinks, bowling parties, pinatas, days at the park... nada. and especially no surprise parties. i've never even been to a surprise party my entire life. i wasn't even invited to that many parties growing up. i think i remember going to one for a girl on my soccer team. it was a sleepover. and then i know i went to a lot of mel's growing up but she was my neighbor. then there was the bowling party freshman year which was fun. and there's the infamous got-invited-but-couldn't-go limo party. but that's it from when i was actually the appropriate age to enjoy these kinds of things.
since then is another matter. the majority of these innocently fun filled parties that i have been to are because my sister has ones for my niece and nephew every year. they totally rock. it's like gettin to be a kid again, your just a lot taller then all the other kids there. it's like every time you go to the fair and you want to ride on the little caterpillar thingy again... not because it's a good ride, but because it reminds you of fun you used to have. well, my nephew is having a surprise party tomorrow. i figure it is pretty safe to talk about it because i doubt he reads my blog. if so, sorry i ruined the surprise.
i'm trying to decide what it will actually be like. will this be a dark room and then people jump out and he gets really surprised, like in all the movies? will we jump up and down and throw our hands out when we yell? will we get to hide behind curtains and couches, giggling secretively? or will it be that kind of surprise party where he already knows but pretends to act surprised? i'm pretty excited about it actually, if you hadn't noticed...
of course, the major problem with surprise parties is that you have to be on time to enjoy them. and i'm notoriously bad at being late. or good at it, depending on how you view this issue. i know lots of people have being late as a major pet peeve on their list, because a lot of people have told me this to my face, and i've wondered how much they really hate me for it? i kinda think it's just another quirk to the person that is megan. or megs. or just meg. i don't like pissing people off, but it just seems like a silly thing to get mad about. there are more important things.
*blog*
posted by megs at 16:09
3.25.2004
sorry. here's the link for anyone else who wants to do the how crazy am i test.
*blog*
posted by megs at 03:16
i came across this test in an old blog of a friend of mine. her results kind of intrigued me so i decided to take it myself because people are always asking me 'what the hell is wrong with you?' i usually don't have a response for this because i honestly don't know. so for all of you out there, this may give you some clue as to why i am the way that i am. but don't read too much into it because it was just a five minute quick yes/no kind of test. i'm not actually mental... i think.
you can just click on any of the disorders above and there are explanations below... i am learning html folks. woo hoo for me!
Paranoid Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.
Schizoid People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."
Schizotypal Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Antisocial A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.
Borderline Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
Histrionic People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Narcissistic Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Avoidant Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Dependent Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:17
3.24.2004
okay, so angel called today to ask my if i had my parents' SS numbers on an old FAFSA form because she needed them for hers, so i lugged out my old file-o-dex thingy and found my student loan folder from my freshman year of college when i still did things on paper. no dice. sorry angel. but then i was stuffing it all back in and another folder caught my eye. highschool writing. he he he. it was just a bunch of papers i had written junior and senior year in highschool. most aren't worth the paper they are written on. but then i found this one assignment and read through it. i almost peed my pants i was laughing so hard. it's horrible, i'll admit it right now, but anyone who knows me knows i can't rhyme worth a damn. the funniest part of this to me is the character descriptions. anyways, here it is...
The World's Greatest Fair
Early in June when schooling ends
And summer vacation comes as a Godsend,
When the little children stop learning their knowledge
And the graduated get ready for college,
All the kids, I know you agree,
throw down their books and yell "whoopee."
In just such summer many teens get together
And decide to take trips on account of the weather.
Many go to the beach to catch a bit of sun,
But for most skin cancer and wrinkles don't sound like fun.
Others go camping to get in tune with nature,
But as to living on their own most prove too immature.
Parties and trips are planned by all
Except for a few who are never on the ball,
And stuck with each other--everyone else has left--
Sitting all alone they became very bereft.
Then one day the World's Greatest Fair came to a town.
All the way from NY, New York, it came down
And stopped in Nashville, a little to the North.
The two day trip there would be well it's worth.
For the ride there was reserved a small bus
Equipped with a bathroom; it would serve its purpose
To take these high schoolers on their trip,
On their quest to enjoy some rides that had zip.
As all the students arrive at Sprayberry
Packed and ready; they are all very merry
And excited to finally be out doing something
To end their summer boredome and suffering.
As we climb aboard the business I will take a moment to tell
A little of each's character, though I know them not well.
The first was a woman equesterian; she is very good.
But sweet as she is, she is misunderstood
By those who know her because of her hyperactivity.
She is eagerly awaiting this fair festivity.
Her dark almond eyes and dark hair which is coarse
Reminds me a great deal of the looks of a horse.
She wears comfortable clothes with sandals to match
The laid back look that she has managed to catch
To counteract her energy and sprightliness.
On tiptoes she moves with a great deal of lightness,
Like a young colt pracing in a wet dewy meadow.
For this special occasion she packs a fancy kimono
And slings a bookbag onto her back.
She is a smart one who is right on track.
Her intelligence is clear; it was shown in all she did.
Clearly she has matured from being a little kid.
Her first time away this trip would be,
Alone without her parents. She would be free.
Sure of herself and sure of her path,
Sure of her strength, she could conquer Goliath.
Her true feelings she never does hide.
The purpose of her coming is to take a ride
On a carousel; no, the World's Greatest Carousel,
And so now on horsegirl I will no longer dwell.
There is one boy who, as far as I know,
Goes by the nickname of Little Bro.
He seems quiet and reserved; the "held in" type.
His attitutde rarely changes, he is never too hype.
To closest friends and people he's known for awhile,
He will often joke and flash a big smile
At his own silly thought which he only will mutter
To those sitting close, but then to no other.
Smart and witty, at the top of his class,
But best described as an intolerable ass.
Seen by some as stuck up and snobbish
And known by friends to be silly and boyish.
Likes to hang out and do stuff with friends,
But his capacity for fun very soon ends.
With nothing planned for this pretty summer,
He came to keep it from being a total bummer.
This being away from his parents, this was his one
Chance to be free and have some fun.
Riding crazy rides is his way to rebel
Against his parents, who I forgot to tell
Are divorced. But this doesn't bother him.
He is tall with dark hair and rather slim.
In truth, he still quite looks like a young boy.
I am sure this trip he will enjoy.
Then there are two lovers, a boy and a girl
Whose amorous ways make others want to hurl.
The better half of the two, the girl, is called Hazel.
Very creative and bright, she was once given an easel,
And the art she creates covers her walls.
A good soccer player, she likes to kick balls.
Tall with short hair and hazel eyes,
For her, growing up has been quite a surprise.
She does a bunch of thinking and is rather smart,
And all of her friends know her to be full of heart.
Her boyfriends she loves as her best friend;
She believes they have something that will never end.
This trip she sees as a really good chance
As time spent with friends; maybe a little romance.
Loves roller coasters and rides that go round;
Her favorite part is when they are upside down.
Eagerly awaiting the time we will depart,
This girl was bubbling--she was ready to start.
The Lover, too, was a smart young man,
And really he does the best that he can.
But when he's not thinking his heart tends to wander,
And his promises of faithfulness go hopelessly asunder.
When things go well he loves his girl the most,
But when things go bad his mind plays host
To a million other thoughts, fantasies and hopes.
He thinks just like a selfish guy, those big ugly dopes.
Thinking himself cool and also very cute,
He plays many people and things; a basketball he can shoot.
He is a well-rounded person; almost too perfect,
And the fact that he knows this is his one major defect.
He hopes on this trip to rebuild the spark;
As to what this really means, he is in the dark.
He can not and will not understand love
When himself is all he is thinking of.
He's taking this trip to end the relationship with a bang.
What happens after--he doesn't give a dang!
Then there is another boy, Karl is his name,
Spreading jokes and merriment is his game.
To all that he talk he brings forth a smile.
Recognizing his wit and intelligence only took a while.
At this fair he claims there will be
A super-surprise visit by his presidential nominee
Of choice, and so he's decided,
Since these two event so neatly coincided,
He will come along to join the parade.
Karl is a dresser; a fashion renegade.
He wears what he wants, whatever seems right;
Never dresses for the weather but is usually all right.
He wears glasses and has an interesting air.
I am sure that he will fit right in at the fair
With his strange appearance and stranger jokes.
He often causes disturbances and sometimes invokes
A feeling of confusion, though it is easy to see
With his opinions and ideas he is open and free.
A meeting with the future president is all he wanted,
And by the two day trip he remains undaunted.
The youngest on the trip is only a freshman,
And honestly I don't think the little girl quite fits in
With all these upperclassmen. It seems to me
She has a hidden motive for attending this party.
She is already fourteen but looks about twelve,
And into a description of her looks I can't delve.
For she is girlish cute, but plain, heaven knows,
And her one distinguishing feature is a very large nose.
she is quiet and polite, and seems very nice,
But it takes only a conversation to discover her vice.
For being a very little fish in a very big sea
She is wanting the best catch. She wants to be
Respected by her friends with a boyfriend who's the coolest;
To me her plan sounds hopelessly foolish.
But with kindness and sweetness I'm sure she'll succeed
In cathcing a guy that she doesn't want or really need.
She has a guy in mind, one on this very trip,
But any guy who falls for her must really be a dip.
Then there is a a band boy who is very intelligent,
And to many this comes as quite an astonishment.
He never does his work or pays attention in class,
All he does is cut up and act like an ass.
He likes to pick on people who are smaller than he
Because the way he sees himself is such an absurdity.
He has a huge ego and a very large head,
And he uses his wits and thoughts to hurt others instead
Of concentrating on activities for the common good.
The concept of helping others he never understood.
Dark-haired with sideburns and a little hair on his face,
He thinks he's God's gift to women in this earthly place.
Thankfully he fools none but himself and a few
Who have stuck around while the others withdrew.
But sometimes he knows, deep down in his heart,
That he'll have to grow up and stop playing this part.
And so as a last fling and a last fare-thee-well,
He told all his blood-sucking friends to go to hell.
Then came to this place to get on this bus,
To go to country music heaven where he will kick up a fuss.
Yellin' and singin' on the Fair's line dancin' floor,
Of band boy then I can say little more.
The last person on this trip is the leader of the pack.
He is the bus driver and will take no slack.
As we step on the bus he eyes us and says "hello,"
And as soon as we are seated he promptly takes control.
"Now this here's my bus and this how things goes,"
He wheezes and coughes out of a battered old nose.
"I know 'yall agoin to see the greatest fair
And 'yall are eager to go, bit it's aways till we get thar.
I ain't got no TV's and no new fangled radio,
But I've an idea to pass time as we go.
I want each of you to think up a whopper of a story
To share with the others. It could be about glory
Or accomplishment; whatever you choose!
And unless yours is the best this game you will lose.
The winner of this here game will get
An 'All of Their Expenses Paid for the Fair' ticket
That is good for a week. It will save 'yall some bucks.
So I'll judge the stories and I wish yous alls lucks."
And so we sit down and look at each other,
Noticing the smiles that we each try to smother.
Being the bravest, and dumbest no doubt,
Up jumps band boy and promptly blurts out,
"I've got the greatest story of all time dude,
So sit and listen, and don't be too rude."
Pulling out of the Sprayberry parking lot,
Their journey began with band boy's dry rot.
The End
*whew* that's long. congrats if you actually read it all the way through. i know it sucks and doesn't flow and there are probably a million typos, but i wasn't here to edit it or fix it. i typed it straight off the paper, not even bothering to make the red penned corrections my teacher scribbled all over. i like it better this way anyway. the flaws only make it funnier because i really was trying. like one of those old movies with the bad actors, bad lines and bad props that are always falling over.
in case you are wondering who is who in that little tale, horse girl was jinny, who i pretty acurately described. she was a year younger than me but loads of fun. lil bro would of course be matt, and i think i nailed him too. he was hilarious, if you could actually get him to talk to you. then we'd have me as hazel and clay as the lover. i'm sure i was a bit liberal with my own description, but once again, i think i have him figured out. this was after he had dumped me for a freshman then come crawling back later on. sucked uphill and down at the time. but it's funny to read about it now. karl was, well, karl. if you went to hs with me you'd know who i'm talking about. and then we have the freshman. the girl i got dumped for. maybe i was harsh here. but hey, i was the woman scorned, right? i'm allowed to be bitter. she did have a huge nose though. and it finishes up with band boy, who would be woody. score another one for megan.
i wonder if any of these people actually read this back then. i may have been honest, but honesty isn't very flattering it seems. if someone had written about me like this, i might have gotten a little mad. but some people tell me i'm too sensitive. i can dish it out but can't take it. i disagree completely with that. maybe i get mad about stuff, but it's probably because someone is right and i'm mad at myself. i always prefer to know just what people think of me. maybe i wouldn't have gotten mad... maybe i would have laughed. i know i'd laugh now. oh well, the whole point of this was that this was good for a laugh. and a huge procrastination helper.
*blog*
posted by megs at 15:12
3.23.2004
i had chinese the other night and once again forgot to eat my fortune cookie. i finally got to it today, and these were the pearls of wisdom on my little sheet of paper.
Good news will be brought to you by mail.
normally i'd be excited by this because this is actually a pretty defined fortune. i like good news. but the fates are only screwing with me because all my mail gets forwarded to acworth since the USPS is retarded and sends it all to my sister. so my good news... yeah, i'd get it about three weeks too late. it's kind of ironic. even the fortune cookie gods are laughing at me. if i was the kind of person who took things like this as a sign of something or another, missed opportunities, wrong place wrong time, kind of crap, i'd be worried. luckily i'm sane and know better.
*blog*
posted by megs at 18:22
so pointless vacationing out of the way, the next order of business seems to be school. i looked at my old academic transcripts. i was reading on the website that transfer students need a 2.0 cumulative gpa to be accepted. my heart literally skipped a few beats. oh fuck was all i could think. it's one thing to know you fucked up and recognize that it was stupid, but to think that those mistakes two plus years ago could bring your current plans to a screeching halt was not something i was prepared to deal with. so i took about ten deep breaths... counted to at least a 100, and typed in the old web address to pull up my transcript.
and there it was, in all its dysfunctional glory. i scrolled through it slowly, relishing the grades. remembering back to what i was doing at the time. textile engineering classes... what the fuck was i thinking, honestly?? hey look, an A. oh wait, freshman psychology... getting adjusted to college. damn. oh no, square root club quarter. yeah, that sucked. oh no, it gets worse. W, W, F... i can't go any further. my pointer drifted towards the X in the upper right hand corner because there was clearly no point in going on any further. crap crap crap.
but wait. i went to state too. i think i did better there. so i quickly scroll through those painful last semesters at tech when everything was so fucked up and fall on my second try at higher education. okay, art classes. i liked those. holy shit. straight A's with a full load. suddenly i smile. maybe i did okay. what the hell was i worrying about? i do this to myself all the time. i psyche myself out. i chuckle kind of nervously and keep going. no point in stopping now, right?
yeah, i should have stopped while i was ahead. the last three semesters are littered with F's, D's and W's. oh my god, i failed drawing II not once, but twice. i failed. a basic drawing class. where you draw boxes. i remember that class and i'm pretty sure all my boxes had straight sides and all that. i guess i didn't go very often now that i think about it. i try to think back and make some lame excuse to myself for why i let it happen and realize i'm not fooling anyone, least of all myself. there's no point anymore. what's done is done. just get some fuckin balls and look at the bottom of the screen. okay, that semester was a .5, that one was a 1.0, and that one was a nice, round 0. now i'm giggling like some escaped lunatic standing in front of the oncoming train and thinking it's all a little too surreal for my taste.
turns out, i transferred into state with a 2.44. while it isn't stellar, it was actually a lot better than i remembered. averaging that with the dismal 1.97 i got during my four semesters at state, i end up with... a 2.3. huh, i can live with that. i actually feel my entire body relax as my muscles individually release and i just become this puddle of relief in my computer chair. i can go back to college. technically at least. this number won't hold me back. i'm smiling at my own dumb luck.
so, for anyone who wants a good laugh, this is how a girl who was ranked 10th in her graduating class, with a 4.02 gpa, early acceptance into georgia tech, a georgia governor's scholarship and a national merit scholarship faired in college...
i've had an interesting college career. i guess i can only go up from here, right? that makes me feel good actually. i can't believe these numbers. 110 attempted hours. only passed 89. and 104 count towards my gpa. what do you need to graduate? isn't it usually somewhere around 120 or 130? i don't even know. i'm so not on top of this shit. but that isn't really the point right now, is it? i don't have to know everything right now. i just have to make the first step and keep moving ahead. like i said, i psyche myself out. focus on the here and now, know what i want but not worry about how i'm getting there. things will happen and i'll be ready for them because i'm finally at that point where i will accept nothing less.
*blog*
posted by megs at 00:20
3.22.2004
when alone is where you wanna be...
there's something about the beach. i'm sure it invokes a lot of different feelings for people. the whole experience of being on the beach, the overstimulation of all of your senses, its bound to make for some pretty powerful memories.
personally, i'm scared of the ocean. and standing on a beach with the sand, the sky and the endless miles of water make me feel very small and very alone. some people would stop me right there and say that i'm being negative or even cynical, not appreciating the beauty of it all. but that's where they are wrong. i stand there and i look out and i get completely overwhelmed. maybe i do see the sadder, slightly tarnished side of things, but to assume that's all i see is completely assinine. people are sad and they are alone, and seeing that big blue nothingness out in front of you can amplify that.
but looking out into the ocean makes me feel conflicted because i am also amazed and in awe at the incredible beauty and i start to see it reflected into my own life. it's hope and possibility all laid out before you. the wind stirs up emotions you didn't even realize you had and blows and twists you in all sorts of directions you didn't realize were there. the incredible sound of the crashing of the waves and the force with which they hit, only to lap at your feet moments later, washing away doubts and fears as you realize how inconsequential they really are. and you turn your back on it and walk away and the sand has this incredible way of sucking you back, always pulling on you in its reluctance to see you go. i go to the beach and it balances all these emotions for me and i always leave feeling more peaceful and satisfied. there's nothing i love more than walking alone on a beach.
i've said it before, and i'll say it again. i'm scared. i look out there, whether it's at the ocean or the future, and i'm scared. but i know that it's okay to be scared and to admit that i'm scared as long as i don't let it overwhelm me. i balance it all out and move forward, to where i really don't know. but if i keep moving and i keep staring out, i'm going to end up right where i belong. and i really believe that, contrary to my otherwise cynical nature.
and here are some loverly beach pictures... courtesy of my camera phone. generally the camera phone sucks, but it was so pretty and i had so much fun this day, just wandering around, i'm putting them up anyway...
i was on a pier of some sort when i took these. i don't know if it was the pier or just some pier. i think maybe the latter.
this is the grafitti park at venice beach. they had two big walls just completely covered. some of it was just basica tagging, but the time it must have taken for the larger pieces kind of blew me away. it kind of reminds me of those people who do sidewalk art. you know it isn't going to last, but then again that isn't really the point, is it?
i love sittin there watchin the water and just diggin my feet into the sand. generally i hate sand because it gets in all kinds of uncomfortable places and its like its falling off of you for days after your away from the beach. but it feels so nice and warm and squishy, then you dig your toes down in and it gets cooler. it's so nice.
yeah, picture of myself all by my lonesome. if your wondering what it is i'm doing, i'm smiling. like really smiling. cuz i'm really enjoying myself.
ummm... this is the santa monica pier. it looked really small and then just got hugemongous once i got right up next to it. and i walked all up and down it. the play park thingy wasn't really open or just no one was in it. but i walked all the way to the end and there was a guy on a guitar who played piano man and then bridge over troubled waters. i sat way up on the top of the building with my eyes closed and just let the wind play with my hair. it was awfully relaxing.
shot of the huge ass beach and some of the larger, gaudier hotels in santa monica that face the beach. i'm still amazed at the amount of beach between the buildings and the actual water. it was quite a hike.
as far being a clear picture, i guess my camera phone kinda sucks. it's looking down from a catwalk on the santa monica pier to where all the vendors are with their art and cheap sunglasses. maybe some people would consider this picture out of focus, but it reminds me of some impressionistic painting with the colors and lines all blurring together, so i put it up.
there's just something about an empty, smelly marta train after you've been cramped on a crowded plane for 4 hours. the plane had this antiseptic smell to it, mixed with people's perfumes, colognes and scented lotions. the trained smelled of all the sweaty, dirty, overcrowded people that cram onto each day. it also faintly smells like urine which is disconcerting. i couldn't decide which of the two was worse. at this point i just wanted to get home and be still for awhile.
*blog*
posted by megs at 15:46
3.17.2004
oh yeah....
HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm part irish so i had to get that in... and a good part irish, not 1/64th like everyone else... i'm like a 1/4... so ha.... i got alcoholic built into my genes... wait, that isn't a good thing... damn.
*blog*
posted by megs at 23:53
it's funny how you think work creates this really rigid and boring schedule in your life. and you wish you didn't have to have that, and you could just do what you wanted when you wanted. maybe it's just me and my inner child fighting to get out. in fact, i think she usually wins. i'd rather sit and play video games than doing any at home transcription work in the wee hours of the evening. and i'd rather be watching cartoons (albeit adult type ones like simpsons, family guy and south park) than actually going to bed early so i can get up for work the next day. i like to enjoy myself and have problems with authority, ie. being told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it.
so now i've got this whole week or so to do anything i want. all through to next week. let's call it an extended spring break (even though spring doesn't officially start until saturday). and i was so hella excited. i was gonna do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, and no one can say anything about it. i'm technically getting paid for the week, doing a lil bit of work here and there and getting paid more than the trouble is worth (lucky me). but the funny thing is... i don't do anything out of the ordinary. i get up and i have this schedule. i watch dawsons creek. then i feel kinda guilty and lazy, so i work for awhile. either transcription work or i will go and clean the apt. then i get bored and mess around with clothes or necklaces or something. finally i get back into the guilty mode right before huey gets home and try to squeeze in more work. so i'm usually doing something responsible when he gets home and can act like i've been doing it almost all day. it's kinda funny. it's a definite pattern i've fallen too in a very scary short amount of time. i couldn't imagine being unemployed for any period of time. i'd bore myself to death. especially since i don't have a car.
so yeah, it's not like i'm complaining. i've loved my vacation. it's a welcome break from the tedium of the last two years. but if it lasted too long (say more than a month) i'd probably hurt myself... in a bad way. i'd go crazy being bored. no purpose, nothing to do... making no money. if anything i'd worry myself to death. but i'm enjoying it for now. i got no plans, no obligations, i'm just going with the flow... and i couldn't ask for more in a vacation.
cheers to me and the rest of my vacation doing nothing in particular!!!!!!!!!!111
*blog*
posted by megs at 23:44
3.16.2004
so on my vacation i obviously have a lot of free time that i haven't wasted posting things here. i think that is a good thing. it's been so absolutely gorgeous outside and i've really been trying to enjoy my vacation as much as possible. i get to sleep in late but not too late. i don't want to get totally lazy and off schedule. and i've gotten the apt. cleaned and laundry done which is great. after working so much and being so stressed the last month, it's nice to just sit and say, you know what, i'm rearranging my books today. and just doing it. not that i've gotten that desperate for things to do yet, but i'd probably enjoy it immensely if that is what i chose to do.
i have been making some more necklaces and bracelets and stuff. huey always tells me that i've let my creative juices dry up. i never really agreed with him but i was always too tired to try to prove him wrong. now i've got some free time and i'm really enjoying getting to make things again. so maybe i'm not drawing and painting again, but i think this is an excellent start. it really gets me back in the mood to just plug in my iPod and let music play really loud and just kind of mess around with things again. i can sit for two hours, make something and then step back and look at it. if i like it, i put it on. if i don't, i either decide who to give it to or throw it in the box to be taken apart and reused another day. the point is that i enjoy doing it, whatever the outcome. i guess i'm just one of those people who likes to create, but hates to be told what to create, or when or how. maybe it's like pouring water into your hands... it squeezes out here and there, trickling over different edges... and i try myself at different things, not really wanting to limit myself... and one of these days i'll get the opportunity to just open up and let it all go. but that day is not today, and that's okay with me. i've just got some more dues to pay.
but really the whole point of this is yay for vacation!! even if it does come at the price of being sort of temporarily unemployed. now i'm going to go make some of the other ideas i'd had last night but got too tired to do.
*blog*
posted by megs at 20:53
3.14.2004
wow... like WOW. i'm really done. today was my last day at crappy job. i finished out my two weeks and left on good terms, but i'm done. i feel very... complete, i guess, for the first time in awhile. chapter closed. move on to the next book. i turned in my keys, my final timesheet and everything. i just can't wait til the next payday. i turned in 55.5 hours for the past week of work, plus i get to cash in my 35 hours of vacation. woohoo!! very exciting for me. big paycheck on its way.
driving to work today i saw the strangest thing. i know from experience how hard it is to pull back into traffic after you've had to pull off the highway (and no i'm not just talking about tickets here... flat tires and break downs count too). i've always thought people were idiots for pulling over to the left against the walls in the middle because you are pretty much hanging out into the fast lane. it's extremely dangerous. apparently the DOT rescue vehicle people are smart enough to realize this simple fact, and today i got to see how they go about moving idiots from the left side to the right shoulder.
i was going along down 85S when a DOT vehicle raced by me. then about 2 miles later it turned on it's big blinking sign with a big straight line (instead of the normal arrows you see) and their flashers and everything. next thing i know they are just weaving all over the road. they started with the left lanes, about three, and got all those people slowed down. then they started weaving even more. at first i thought the person wasn't sure which side of the road they wanted to be on. by weaving like this they successfully managed to stop 8 lanes of traffic. it was insane. it was the closest thing i've ever seen that could be described as car herding in motion. either way, he shut down the whole connecter and i could just see a couple hundred yards ahead a DOT vehicle and one of the aforementioned idiots cut straight across the highway to the right shoulder. i'd never seen anything like it. not a single person tried to sneak by.
anyway, this is my vacation week and i get to go to california! to LA no less! i'm very excited. this will be my first time taking a trip by myself. or being on a plane by myself. or going to california by myself. lots of first by myselfs going on this week. but it's all very exciting. i have a lot to get cleaned up and some work transcriptions to get done before i go though. gotta keep your eye on the basket. or the goal. i never played basketball. or the cup if you are a golfer. you get the idea. staying focused. right.
*blog*
posted by megs at 18:14
3.12.2004
there's this guy who stands on the corner of ralph mcgill and courtland street almost everyday. there is this hideous sculpture garden of sorts there. big, multicultural people monsters with misshapen heads and stuff. i think it's all children's work so i'll say it's interesting and move on. anyway, every day that i ride marta, on my walk to and from work i pass by this spot. and this guy is there almost all the time. he's the kind of homeless guy you kind of walk on the far side of the sidewalk from, if you know what i mean.
now, let it be known that i wear my headphones in the city. i'm of the mind that i'd rather not hear what is going on around me if at all possible. this guy i walk by every day is always yelling. looking up, waving his arms, throwing a regular little hissy fit. normally i can't hear a damn thing he's saying which just makes it that much easier for me to ignore him. i sure as hell don't want him yelling at me. but at the same time i got kind of curious. what in the hell was this guy doin on this corner every day yelling? and who in the hell was he yelling at?
so this morning i took my ipod, kept my earphones in, but turned the volume off. he was in a full frenzy today, jumping around and pointing... walking in little circles like someone trying to blow off steam. as i walked over the bridge to where he was, i was straining over the sounds of traffic below. with all the wind and everything it was very hard to hear him, but just as i pulled parallel to him, i caught one thing.
"i ordered spicy chicken fingers, bitch" and then he started issuing out this string of explitives that it really isn't worth posting because you get the point.
it was all i had to do not to laugh. all that time i waited and wondered, expecting him to be having perhaps some struggle with himself or god or something important so loudly on the streets of atlanta everyday. but he ordered chicken fingers. no, spicy chicken fingers. interesting.
also today i had some pimply faced little kid who was from some some bible thumping middle school somewhere and ask me, "isn't it true that evolution is just a theory?" i just said, yeah sure kid, whatever you say. then the kid goes on to suggest to me, with this beautific smile on his face, that we should offer books on creationism as well as the ones we offer on evolution, as it is only fair to show both sides of the issue. i smiled and said thanx. poor kid... little does he know i'm leaving in three days and don't give a shit.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:40
3.09.2004
you know, there is something about doing laundry that, well... sucks.
i hate doing laundry. i wish it were possible to have a constant flow of new clothes so that i would never have to do it. something about sorting through dirty clothes and putting them in piles by color... it seems like it would appeal to the orderly side of me who loves to be anal and clean everything from time to time, but it doesn't. i actually hate doing laundry.
i think this may have something to do with the laundry situation growing up. we had, at the least, 6 people in our house at all times. many times some older sisters could be found there crashing until they'd found a new place to move into. either way, that many people translates into veritable truckloads of laundry. it was obnoxious. i was constantly being told to sort, change out loads, or fold laundry. even worse, because of the sheer volume of it all and the fact that we didn't own a laundromat, we had to hang things on the line outside to dry. so now you have to cart this 50 lb. basket of wet clothes out to the clothesline and hang it all up. it was such a pain in the ass.
of course it would sometimes start to rain then, so you had the mad dash back outside to retrieve the clothes off the line. and then it was always fun when the dog would get bored and decide to pull things off the line and run around the yard til someone noticed. then the chase ensued. by the time you actually rescued whatever piece of clothing it was, it had been chewed up and dragged through so much stuff that it was unrecognizable. talk about a lost cause.
so anyway, it was pretty much par for the course having piles of laundry laying on the couches when i grew up. and dealing with everything i just mentioned on an almost daily basis. now i put laundry off for at least 2 weeks on average. luckily huey and i have had big master bedroom walkin closets for the past few years and have resisted all temptations to get rid of any old clothes. we have quite a collection of pajama pants, free-give-away tshirts and other comfy clothes to wear around the house for as long as possible. in this manner we can get away with not doing laundry for a long time.
today though, is laundry day. i have the day off work so i'm determined to knock all of this out for once. i don't think we've actually made it through all loads of laundry in months. i'm pretty sure there is a load of reds in a bag somewhere that hasn't ever gotten washed because i always save reds for last. sucks for them. i just wear so much red at work that i usually just do a small load of just my work shirts and then hold off on the rest. anyways, i spent over an hour going around the apartment collecting socks, shirts and other random pieces of clothing from all over the place and sorting them into piles. by the way, another absolutely disgusting part of laundry is having to turn all the socks back right side out. i don't want to stick my hand in huey's nasty old sock to turn it back around. he should fix it when takes them off.
anyways, so i'm all sorted now, got the first load through the wash and into the dryer. this is usually the point where i get a little bit of free time while i wait through the two hour dry time. i'm willing to bet that, while there is time to get through all the loads today, i will not do it for one very important reason. i'll forget to switch out loads. happens every... single... time. it takes me 5 hours to do two loads because i just forget to go back in there. i need my own laundromat with like, 10 machines so i could do them all at once. this waiting hours and hours crap just doesn't cut it for me. i'm too forgetful.
so, only other plans for the day off are to watch some dawson's creek and make a necklace. i got a really great design the other day so i'm going to try my hand at it. people say i never do anything artsy anymore, and maybe they are right. i don't sit down and draw anymore. or paint. or any of those very obvious, traditional ways of being "artistic". but i've always been the kind of person just interested in creating and designing things... not just drawing. now granted, to give those same people credit, i haven't been found sewing, knitting, building or otherwise engaging in many creative activities lately. but i have been busy. now that i have time, there are a million things i want to do or make. so i'm going to go get started..... and dammit, not forget about the laundry!
*blog*
posted by megs at 15:29
i have never wanted to drop kick somone in the head so bad...
well, maybe every once in awhile, but it really has been a long time. i'm one of those people, i don't like being told what to do or how to do things. i'm usually pretty confident in my way of doing things, sometimes to a fault. now i don't mind seeing how other people do things and then trying to improve upon that or use it to improve upon my own way... i'm a problem solver kind of person. i like doing it because it's challenging. so having the new woman at work (who consequently would technically be my new boss if i wasn't leaving in a few days and actually gave a shit) following me around, telling me how to do things is driving me crazy. she doesn't ask how things were done before. she just does them, messes shit up, and then comes looking for someone to clean it up.
she kept me busy an entire day... no breaks, no lunch, no sitting to rest... rearranging the entire store. it was this inane little crusade she had to put her own little touch on everything i guess. if i wasn't quitting i probably would have had it out with her right there because it's been mine for so long. but it's hers now so more power to her. i just wish she didn't have to drag me into it. i just want to get through my last week doing a minimal amount of work and making it obvious how little i really care anymore without pissing anyone off too much. i think she was trying to prove something to me by harassing me the whole time. well, little does she know that she has made about 0 impact and i'm not doing shit the rest of the week. she was a fuckin waitress before she got hired to make my life hell, is barely a few years older than me, and dumb as dirt.
i think i know what she's doing though. it's the same thing everyone does in a new job. you are super eager and want to make a good impression. especially being a new manager. just recognize that there are people who have been there working their asses off for two years and aren't going to really want to be ordered around after you've been there a week and are still having to double check with them on the correct way to wipe your ass without screwing everything up and making more work for the people who know what the hell they are doing. i know new people need a certain adjustment period, but i've trained a number of other people for this job and i know they weren't that dense. i'm scared to see what's going to happen when she moves beyond basic cashier duties and into the realm of actual manager level things. what a scary day that will be... i'm so glad i won't be there.
but today was my last day with my only other remaining coworker from the old guard. we got through the whole day and didn't even think about it, and then i dropped her off at the train and was all like, see you wednesday! and she said, no i'll be gone for spring break. and then i'll be gone next monday. so that was it. leaving out anything mushy crap about being great friends and really bonding over the past year plus of working together, i really am going to miss that kid. she was one of the people that made that job fun and that was important and a big part of me actually sticking around for two years. i feel bad leavin her there alone with the new manager cuz now everything is going to come down on her as the only person who actually knows how to do anything. but i'm really happy to be leaving. i hugged her and promised i'd come back down and visit, and would be available on the phone if she ever had any questions about anything. it was kind of bitter sweet in a way that i'm not used to.
so yeah, that's what has been going on.
*blog*
posted by megs at 01:08
3.03.2004
don't feel like bloggin today... here's an update for anyone keepin score... and some fun quotes to make this seem longer and more important.
I DID IT!!!!!
When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity. --John Fitzgerald Kennedy--
Never mistake motion for action. --Ernest Hemingway--
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting start is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. --Mark Twain --
It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson --
and now... i celebrate!!!
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway--
A drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts. --Steve Fergosi--
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --Ernest Hemingway--
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink. --G. K. Chesterton --
*blog*
posted by megs at 20:20
3.02.2004
Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice. --Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead--
as i said in a previous post, things have been changing kind of quickly for me lately. at times like this i sit here and i try to think of everything that is happening in my life, try to get a feel for the big picture... i want to look at the philosophical side of it all and be able to distance myself so i can indifferently analyze the repercussions of it all. i try to do this all the time, it's like i'm some teen angst reject from one of those crazy WB shows i love so much. but the truth is that i'm not a teen, and i'm not really all that much in angst. things move along, sometimes it seems without my help, and i find myself in a new place almost every other day. the more i try to take control and force myself to make decisions, the more things just seem to fall into place. i want to feel like i'm making something happen in my own life, and i don't know if just being here for it really counts. maybe i'm not seeing it, but the more i seem to be doing things differently, the more i realize that they aren't my doing at all.
i've been sleeping again. normal hours. well, normal compared to other people i know. it's nice not to be tired all the time and to be able to accept that things are finally settling down. i'm just worried that i'm being lulled into this sleep while something else out there is lurking to trip me up again. people always used to tell me that i was good with stress. hell, i used to be able to do all kinds of things by myself without even asking for someone else's opinion. i pretty much prided myself on being so strong, so able to handle everything myself while still keeping a smile on my face. now... it's not that i need other people to decide things for me, but i think hearing their opinions somehow justifies my own decisions. i feel like i've done so many things my own way, and i see where it's gotten me. i look around and everyone else suddenly seems to have their heads on a lot straighter. as hard as it is for me to admit sometimes, maybe my way isn't the best way, but i really don't like feeling so unsure about everything. maybe i'm not so good with stress, i was just good at fooling people. it's all about me playing the part and becoming what other people want or need me to be for them. i never stopped to consider what i need, which is weird because i think i'm a pretty selfish person. but people tell me i'm not... i wonder what they really know about me. i wonder what they really think. ugh, no, i'd just lose more sleep over it. whether it be good or bad, i'm sure it's better left unsaid.
either way, big picture aside, for the next few days i just have to focus on the details. it's all about getting through something that I know I don't want to have to deal with, and coming out on the other side with my composure at least partially intact. maybe things have been coming too easily lately, so i'm going to make sure that i deal with everything instead of hiding from it and waiting to be over. with things going so well, there's no reason to do that. maybe for the first time in a long time, i feel like this is something that i can handle.
there's something about the beach. i'm sure it invokes a lot of different feelings for people. the whole experience of being on the beach, the overstimulation of all of your senses, its bound to make for some pretty powerful memories.
