3.02.2004
Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice. --Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead--
as i said in a previous post, things have been changing kind of quickly for me lately. at times like this i sit here and i try to think of everything that is happening in my life, try to get a feel for the big picture... i want to look at the philosophical side of it all and be able to distance myself so i can indifferently analyze the repercussions of it all. i try to do this all the time, it's like i'm some teen angst reject from one of those crazy WB shows i love so much. but the truth is that i'm not a teen, and i'm not really all that much in angst. things move along, sometimes it seems without my help, and i find myself in a new place almost every other day. the more i try to take control and force myself to make decisions, the more things just seem to fall into place. i want to feel like i'm making something happen in my own life, and i don't know if just being here for it really counts. maybe i'm not seeing it, but the more i seem to be doing things differently, the more i realize that they aren't my doing at all.
i've been sleeping again. normal hours. well, normal compared to other people i know. it's nice not to be tired all the time and to be able to accept that things are finally settling down. i'm just worried that i'm being lulled into this sleep while something else out there is lurking to trip me up again. people always used to tell me that i was good with stress. hell, i used to be able to do all kinds of things by myself without even asking for someone else's opinion. i pretty much prided myself on being so strong, so able to handle everything myself while still keeping a smile on my face. now... it's not that i need other people to decide things for me, but i think hearing their opinions somehow justifies my own decisions. i feel like i've done so many things my own way, and i see where it's gotten me. i look around and everyone else suddenly seems to have their heads on a lot straighter. as hard as it is for me to admit sometimes, maybe my way isn't the best way, but i really don't like feeling so unsure about everything. maybe i'm not so good with stress, i was just good at fooling people. it's all about me playing the part and becoming what other people want or need me to be for them. i never stopped to consider what i need, which is weird because i think i'm a pretty selfish person. but people tell me i'm not... i wonder what they really know about me. i wonder what they really think. ugh, no, i'd just lose more sleep over it. whether it be good or bad, i'm sure it's better left unsaid.
either way, big picture aside, for the next few days i just have to focus on the details. it's all about getting through something that I know I don't want to have to deal with, and coming out on the other side with my composure at least partially intact. maybe things have been coming too easily lately, so i'm going to make sure that i deal with everything instead of hiding from it and waiting to be over. with things going so well, there's no reason to do that. maybe for the first time in a long time, i feel like this is something that i can handle.
*blog*
posted by megs at 23:41
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