it ocurred to me sometime between today and yesterday who the the kind of people i look up to are. they are nothing like me. they see something they want and they go after it. they take the world head on without wondering where their next safe step is. they look out into the world through open windows, not closing doors. something comes up, and they figure out how it can be done, not all the ways it is impossible. they don't blame where they are on the people around them. they aren't afraid to admit they are unhappy because they are always planning ways to change that. you can grab them by the shoulders and point them in a direction and say go, and they'll go without a worry about where they are going, how they're going to get there, or what other people think. they ask questions instead of assuming answers. they know acceptance doesn't have to equal giving up.
i see problems and i have to solve them. if something doesn't work i want to fix it. if someone isn't happy i want to make them smile. a lot of times i'll sit for a long time and see something that is out of place or a picture that is just a bit off, and it'll drive me nuts until i'll have to get up and fix it. i'm a control freak. i like things done my way. i like doing things myself because i'm sure someone else won't do it the way i like it. everything within my sphere of influence has to be the way i like it or i get cranky and then panicky. i'm selfish. i listen to other people because i expect them to listen to me. if something's personal that means it's mine and you'll get it on my terms or not at all. i don't like sharing. i'm weak. i do a lot of things i don't want to do because i don't want to argue. i let people be mean to me because i don't know how to make them stop. people push me around because they know i'm too scared to say no. i'm a happy person. i love to laugh out loud because it makes my stomach hurt. i like hearing jokes but i suck at telling them. sometimes i smile with my whole body. i'm sensitive. i read or watch the news and cry when no one's watching. i worry about hurting other people's feelings. i am sarcastic and cynical to cover up when my own feelings are hurt. being shut out or ignored makes my stomach hurt. i'm mean. i say biting things to bring other people down. i tell people i hate them especially when i don't. i hold grudges for things that never even mattered out of spite. i blame other people so i don't have to think of what i've done. i'm scared of a lot of things. i have a lot of friends but don't let people close. i'm more likely to tell a total stranger how i feel. i look to others to see how they do things. i like to ask questions. i'm annoying. i persist in situations i think are important. i try to do the right thing. i dont think the right thing is ever good for me. i don't trust people. i assume things are a certain way until i'm proven otherwise. i like to be proven wrong. i'm vulnerable. i've built a million walls that can dropped with a look. i avoid eye contact. i think people's eyes give too much away. i like making eye contact with strangers because they look away first. i'm playful. i get ticklish on my ribcage unless i tell myself not to be. i'm weird about my ears. i'm neurotic. i go through situations over and over, doing the same things and expecting different results. i can't breathe in high stress situations. i have panic attacks. i like being around people even if it makes me feel more alone. i'm a talker. i fill up empty space with pointless conversation because i get nervous in silence. i like to listen. i want to know how other people think and what makes them tick. i hate being asked how i feel or what i'm thinking but often will ask others. i shut down emotionally when i'm asked to open up. i'm disappointment. i have ridiculously high standards for people and none for myself. i want people to care. i think it's less about love or hate and more about whether or not you care at all. i can be a perfectionist but i'm not perfect. i put my foot in my mouth and don't even realize it. i say the wrong thing in every situation. i'm tired. and i think way too much about things that don't really matter.
sometimes you get really weirded out late at night. and you've been listening to strange music that isn't you for hours. and you look around and start to wonder what is going on. who are these people. who is that guy over there? who is that on the couch? who is out smoking right now? who is that in the mirror. oh wait, it's just the other girl you are. i love that. when you catch a glimpse of yourself and don't know who you are looking at. it's the same as staring at yourself in the mirror for so long that your face melts into something unrecognizable. it's a blur you see. a hint of what's really there. i want to just start turning to the people around me and saying who are you? whenever i get bored. and then keep asking it. i think people will stop talking because that question doesn't really have an answer.
