In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. --Robert Frost
it seems the harder that you try to escape something the louder it knocks at your door. when my dad died last november, i thought that i'd never feel so sad, lonely, or scared again. i tried over and over in my mind to relate it to some past event, some life experience that would have prepared me. the facts were that he was sick... he was not the same man that he had been ten years ago. a part of my mind knew this and eventually accepted that it was better for him to be released. but hearing it and saying it over and over, believing it to be true... doesn't make it easier. i so gradually got used to him being sick that his true self became a distant memory. i remember my freshman year in college and his brain biopsy at emory. the line of the scar and the clink of the staples that they removed from his head. how he looked at me when i visited him in the hospital and asked me when i'd had time at ga tech to go get another hole poked in my ears. losing him in pieces like that... his old self slipping away... didn't make it any easier. i will never know why my father was destined to die that day when we were all pleasure cruising a few thousand miles away. i was painfully aware afterwards of my own failings. how i wanted him to be proud of me and see me graduate from college after all my wasting of time. how i wanted him to be able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and give me away. it seems like such an obvious and cliche thing... to want your parent to be proud of you. and here i feel like i've failed on one account. so i'm trying to make it up now to myself and my mother. life goes on.....
i watched steve this weekend stand up and talk at his dad's memorial service. i guess it's really fairer to say that i listened. i was so scared to look up that i kept my eyes closed the whole time. it's kind of that theory that what you can't see can't hurt you... except that every word he said drove straight into my chest until i thought i wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. as much as i was unprepared for my own fathers death, i was just as ill prepared for someone i cared about to have to deal with the same thing. if tears could mend a broken heart, i'd have us all covered... but i know it's harder than that. it may sound stupid, but i don't think i've ever been prouder of him than i was during his speech. i know how hard it must have been to stand up and talk about something so personal in front of so many people and i think he was very brave. i remember how nice his dad (and mom) had always been to me though i'm sure i hadn't deserved it. i know i've been mean to him over the years and he either glossed over it or they've forgiven me. either way, i'm thankful. to put it plainly, they are all good people.
life goes on.... life goes on.... life goes on...
so to quickly sum up my last month or so.....
i've moved into my new place. it is way too fancy for me, but i'm adjusting.
i'm bored with my job. they pay for my school, so i'm putting up with it.
i should be accepted into kennesaw soon; if my paperwork actually got there on time (fingers crossed).
some jackasses killed my dream of living in an ikea wonderland (more later).
i'll be 26 in five days.... which means i'm closer to 50 than being born. ouch.
