I gotta get away, and find something to do cause everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you.
it's funny how the harder you try not to think of something, the more it is thrust to the forefront of your mind. i'm sorry, did i say something... i meant someone. there are whole hours where i sit and make a list in my mind of all the things i can do to keep busy so that i don't have to think of... but there i go again.
anyway, what's worse? to dwell on it (you) and feel miserable? to push it (you) out of my mind and feel guilty? i feel like there is an obligation to go on like everything is the same, like everything is normal. i'm doing all the same things, going out with my same friends, enjoying the same distractions, sleeping in my same bed... it's a delusional daydream i try to embrace but the whole time i have this nagging voice in the back of my head pointing out the more i try to keep everything the same the clearer it becomes that it isn't. what do i worry about? what am i scared of? that things will become so normal that it will be hard to go back to how they were? that we'll change too much? that i will not ever get used to it and get angry and bitter about not being happy? that there are so many things that could go wrong while only one way for things to go right? people are getting married, having babies and getting engaged all around me... and my boyfriend leaves. i let him leave actually. i encouraged it. but really, what else could i have done? what if i'd refused... what if i'd asked him to stay and he'd said no? what if i'd asked him to stay and he'd said yes, but then hated me for it? the whole thing makes me feel off balance... i hate being off balance.
did you know that wikipedia has an entry for long distance relationship, or LDR as people like to call it... i thought that was weird.
