so my "hell week" is finally over at school... i finished all my tests, wrote my 12 page group paper in a night myself, and have actually gotten back two grades already... surprise, surprise... a 90 and a 106... if i get straight A's this semester i will stand on my backporch and scream for five seconds... if i don't... then i'll probably do the same thing...
so tonite i went to what was basically an engagement party but with a fancy name... a swedish american unity gala... peters and his swede are getting married. huey couldn't make it since he's in savannah (of course) but peters, always being the ass, seems to insist on snubbing him for the insult of living in a different city. even though i pointed out that no one from out of town was there, he still insisted that he should have been there... it was one of those kinds of things that normally starts a fun, friendly argument between us... but tonite i just wasn't in the mood.
it's weird... normally i go to parties and the question i keep getting is "when are you getting married"... well, it has changed now, but not for the better. now, it's "do you miss him?" ummmm... no, i'm glad to be rid of him and finally be on my own. what a silly question. anyways, i know i seemed mopey tonite, and caught myself staring off as many times as other people did, but everyone was way off target... i got questions about huey, about school, about work... yes, they are all stressful, and i am always running through lists in my mind related to all three... but that really wasn't what was bothering me at all...
monday is the two year anniversary of my dad's death. and nobody knows. i don't even think huey remembers. and i haven't brought it up to anyone. but i keep having this mini panic attacks, especially with everything else that is going on. i find my mind wandering all the time and i seem to always be on the verge of tears. i hate feeling this way because i feel so out of control. at the same time, it all seems so appropriate, as if not feeling this way would be wrong. it is so hard to hate the way you feel and know that you have to embrace it and get through it at the same time... it's very tiring...
going back to the party, it was weird sitting there tonite... everyone reminiscing, stories being thrown around. i realized that i've known peters now since my freshman year of college... that is almost nine years. a long time. there are very few friends that i still see on a regular basis that i've known for so long. it makes me smile to think of him so happy... and speaking of smiling, i got to meet little alexandra grace brady tonite... such a beautiful baby and happy parents... i couldn't stop smilling at them all night.
*sigh* i hate feeling so conflicted... so happy... but so sad... everything overshadowed by the sad... my own dark day is fast approaching...
