the thing is, i've been thinking about it for days. in fact it is all i think about. when i'm sitting in class, typing my notes, my mind suddenly stops and starts, like i'm rebooting or something. at least that is what it feels like. when i stood up to give my presentation in class, i only took a second to think to myself that i just had to get through it. after i sat down, i spent the rest of the class thinking to myself that i just have to get through it.
so tomorrow morning at 8:15a i will be sitting in my class and thinking... thinking of two years ago when i was sitting on a stool at my job, having just opened the store and going through the mass of email i had accumulated while i was away on my cruise... i remember thinking that i needed a vacation after my vacation. i had gotten home at 10pm the previous night after a grueling drive from florida where i found myself crying on the phone to huey at a cracker barrel because i was so tired and just wanted to be home and my family just kept stopping for all these ridiculous reasons. i was so frustrated and just wanted to be home. i finally got home and pulled out all my wonderful purchases, still bubbling with stories about the trip and wanting to show everyone all the great things i brought home with me. i felt so alive after having one of the best weeks of my life...
so at about 8:15 i got the call from my sister. i remember actually falling off the stool. it didn't seem real. how could it be? it just couldn't... it wasn't supposed to be this way. your father doesn't just up and die in his sleep for no apparent reason while his entire family is over 1000 miles away on a cruise and he was left behind in a VA hospital for the week... alone. two years later i still think the same thing in my head... it wasn't supposed to be this way.
so i find i can't stop thinking about it. and maybe it's because i never talk about it. or maybe it's because it's the kind of thing you never stop thinking about... never stop punishing yourself for... never stop regretting.
another 12 hour day of class tomorrow... and i just have to get through it.
